Complicated
by kasviel
Summary: SLASH COMPLETE The sequel to 'Rest in Peace, Marauders'. This part is about Remus' last bit of reminiscing about his relationship with Sirius. Starts after Book 5, and then flashes back to the Marauders' days. R & R is appreciated
1. Prologue

Complicated ~Sex and Magic Mix~  
  
Author's Notes: A sequel to 'Rest in Peace, Marauders'. I wanted to do more detail, a few more scenes; you know me, I'm an elaboration junky....  
  
Prologue: Complicated ~Sex and Magic Mix~  
  
Uh Huh  
  
Life's like this  
  
Uh Huh  
  
Uh Huh  
  
That's the way it is  
  
Cause life's like this  
  
Uh Huh  
  
Uh Huh  
  
That's the way it is  
  
Chill out  
  
What you yellin' for?  
  
Lay back  
  
It's all been done before  
  
And if you could only let it be  
  
You will see  
  
I like you the way you are  
  
When we're drivin' in your car  
  
And you're talkin' to me one-on-one  
  
But you become  
  
Somebody else  
  
Round everyone else  
  
Watchin' your back  
  
Like you can't relax  
  
You tryin' to be cool  
  
You look like a fool to me  
  
Tell me  
  
Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?  
  
I see the way you're actin' like you're somebody else  
  
Gets me frustrated  
  
Life's like this you  
  
You fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get  
  
And you turnin' into....  
  
Honestly, you promised me  
  
I was never gonna find you fake it  
  
No, no, no....  
  
You come over unannounced  
  
Dressed up like you're somethin' else  
  
Where you are ain't where it's at you see  
  
You're makin' me  
  
Laugh out  
  
When you strike a pose  
  
Take off  
  
All your preppy clothes  
  
You know  
  
You're not foolin' anyone  
  
When you become  
  
Somebody else  
  
Round everyone else  
  
Watchin' your back  
  
Like you can't relax  
  
You tryin' to be cool  
  
You look like a fool to me  
  
Tell me  
  
Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?  
  
I see the way you're actin' like you're somebody else  
  
Gets me frustrated  
  
Life's like this you  
  
You fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get  
  
And you turnin' into....  
  
Honestly, you promised me  
  
I'm never gonna find you fake it  
  
No, no, no....  
  
Chill out  
  
What you yellin' for?  
  
Lay back  
  
It's all been done before  
  
And if you could only let it be  
  
You will see  
  
Somebody else  
  
Round everyone else  
  
Watchin' your back  
  
Like you can't relax  
  
You tryin' to be cool  
  
You look like a fool to me  
  
Tell me  
  
Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?  
  
I see the way you're actin' like you're somebody else  
  
Gets me frustrated  
  
Life's like this you  
  
You fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get  
  
And you turnin' into....  
  
Honestly, you promised me  
  
I was never gonna find you fake it  
  
No, no  
  
Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?  
  
(yeah yeah)  
  
I see the way you're actin' like you're somebody else  
  
Gets me frustrated  
  
Life's like this you  
  
You fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get  
  
And you turnin' into....  
  
Honestly, you promised me  
  
I was never gonna find you fake it  
  
No, no, no....  
  
-- Avril Lavigne "Complicated" 


	2. Chapter One

Chapter One: Post-Full Moon Night  
  
Rest in peace, Marauders....  
  
Sirius was gone. The past was over. And Remus Lupin now found himself to be the one sitting on a windowseat, gazing out and seeing nothing but memories. Barely a week had even passed since his last friend's death, and the pain of it had not faded, nor did it show signs of leaving anytime soon. Remus would not drink as Sirius had, or stomp around gloomily when in company, but he now shared one thing in common with him; his eyes were as hard and far-away as Sirius' used to be when he spoke of Azkaban. Tonight, they were shining with tears as well.  
  
Remus exhaled and leaned his head back against the window frame. "You know, he wasn't fine even after I took James' place," he said. He shut his eyes and shook his head tiredly. "No, not at all. When James changed, he....he changed as well, only not for the better. I tried my best, even at my worst, and he still....he still hurt so deeply. Nothing could heal him, nothing and no one but James. And James, well, he was too blinded by love to heal his oldest and dearest friend...."  
  
"Selfish," a low voice sneered from the corner of the room.  
  
Remus turned his face. Snape was still standing at the doorway, as he had been for a while now, arms crossed. He'd been sent to check on Remus on orders of Dumbledore, and Remus had been explaining to him the entire beginning and end of the Marauders.  
  
"Well, James could be selfish at times," Remus agreed with Snape. "He was not completely the monster you saw, but....I must admit he had his faults. And who doesn't?"  
  
"I'm not saying everyone is faultless," Snape said swiftly, "I only meant that you were all stupid to worship him the way you did."  
  
"Oh, I certainly didn't worship him, Severus," Remus replied. "I loved him as a friend, and I would have stood by him no matter what. However, I did recognize his faults, and we argued over them occasionally."  
  
Snape raised his eyebrows. "Really?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Hmph. And Black?" Snape sat down on a chair. "He loved James regardless and never challenged him, am I right?"  
  
"They felt that way about each other, yes," Remus said slowly. "But then James took his chance and charmed Lilly, and everything fell a little apart for a while afterwards....especially Sirius."  
  
"....Tell me about it."  
  
Remus looked at him. "Tell you?" He sighed. "Well, I know they'd kill me for it....and I suppose I shouldn't, but....but I need to talk to someone. Too many memories...."  
  
Snape just sat patiently, saying nothing. He was quite interested in hearing of the past. Even though his nemesis was dearly departed, he was intoxicatingly curious as to how Sirius had ever suffered. It was not the nicest way to feel, but he couldn't help it.  
  
"All right," Remus finally decided. "I'll tell you about us, about our last year in Hogwarts and my affair with Sirius. I have to get it all out, and I've run out of friends to turn to. Besides, perhaps you'll understand us more, or.....Well, we owe you, after we pried into your life so many times in the past."  
  
"I'll say," Snape breathed.  
  
Remus smiled a little. "Right. Well, let's see.....going back past seventeen years ago....a week after I first slept with Sirius Black...."  
*  
  
"After I got together with Sirius, I instantly felt a strong sense of dread. I knew I would never be as good as James in his mind, I knew I'd never be enough, and that he was using me. And now I was in love with him, and trapped into his games. And play games he did. He took to kissing me every chance he could in front of James, kissing and more at times! I believe he was trying to make James jealous of me, and it didn't work at all. James would only smile and shake his head, and he remained glued to Lilly whenever he could be.  
  
"Towards the end of that week, Sirius became distant. He must have been waiting for James to come back to him, holding out hope or something. He didn't touch me. Still, James was with Lilly and showed no sexual interest in Sirius. Oh, they'd made up by now, and were friends, but not the way they were; they'd been linked in spirit, mind, and body before, and once you've had that kind of love, you never forget it. Hence, Sirius was soon back in one of his moods.  
  
"Full moon night, the first of that school year, came on Friday. I was already worn out from worrying about Sirius and James all week, not to mention a few very busy nights when Sirius wasn't ignoring me. Before I transformed completely, I had time to realize it was much, much more painful this time. To make matters worse, James refused to do anything too atrocious that night while we were in animal form. He even left early, vanishing to I don't even know where, perhaps to meet Lilly somewhere secret, because he didn't return until clastime the next day. Anyway, when Sirius and I finally returned to our dorm [Peter was dead asleep in there already], Sirius was fit to be tied...."  
  
"He wouldn't even go near the school! What the hell is his problem?!"  
  
Remus stepped into the room behind the raging Sirius. He was holding his head in one hand, and his young face was drawn and a deathly white. He stumbled a little, holding onto the wall with his free arm to keep his balance. But still, he frowned in concern at Sirius.  
  
"Doesn't want to get in trouble now, Sirius," he rasped. "If Lilly ever found out...."  
  
"I don't care about Evans!" Sirius exploded. "That's all I hear anymore! You'd think she'd been made Headmistress!" He kicked aside some things on the floor. "What a bore he's become! It's not like him!"  
  
"He still...." Remus licked his dry lips. "He still tortures Severus. He still hangs out with us. He's still James."  
  
"No he isn't!" snapped Sirius. "Not the James I knew!"  
  
"Hush, Sirius," Remus said, shakily walking further into the room. "You'll wake Peter."  
  
"Peter?" Sirius turned to his bed. "Oh, for the love of.....Audio confuto!"  
  
"Sirius!" Remus exclaimed. "You've made him deaf!"  
  
"Not for too long, just the night," Sirius said callously. He threw himself down on his own bed, and began removing his muddy boots. He hurled one at the wall and then started on the other. "It's not that I'm not happy he's finally with his precious Lilly, I just....wish she weren't changing him so much....and he's letting her...."  
  
"He wants to," Remus wheezed. He was feeling faint, but all he could think of was Sirius. He didn't want Sirius to hurt. He wanted Sirius to be happy, like he usually was on full moon night.  
  
"He can't want to," Sirius said stubbornly. He looked very sullen, quite the bratty heir he'd always sworn he wasn't.  
  
"He does." Remus wobbled over to Sirius and leaned down to touch his face. "Don't be angry, Sirius. Please, just.....please, be.....be happy.....with.....with me....I.....I...."  
  
Remus drew a breath, and his eyes went back. He collapsed on Sirius. Sirius caught him and shook him.  
  
"Remus!"  
  
Remus, breathing heavily and sweating, just smiled wearily up at him. "Please stop being angry," he pleaded weakly.  
  
"Never mind my anger, are you okay?" Sirius asked. He pulled Remus onto his lap and held him close. "I'm sorry," he said, kissing Remus' head on top. "I didn't even realize you were...."  
  
"You and James rarely notice anything when concerned with each other," Remus said. He leaned his head on Sirius' strong chest. "But please....please stop worrying about James. He's happy with Lilly, be happy for him. Be happy with me. Why....why am I not good enough? Sirius...."  
  
"You are," Sirius said gently. He sat back on the bed, Remus still in his arms. "I am happy with you, Remus."  
  
"No, not like....." He drew a breath and let it out slowly. Then, he leaned his head back and looked up at Sirius. "Not like with James...."  
  
Sirius lowered his gaze. "....I'll never love anyone like James, Remus." he explained quietly.  
  
Remus just laughed. "Only because you don't want to," he replied. "You're a spoiled brat."  
  
Sirius looked at him, eyes wide. "What did you call me?"  
  
"A spoiled brat," Remus said firmly. "James has always been so gentle with you; he's spoiled you. I know why....I know that you were beaten at home, kept like a prisoner.....but still. James has been too soft with you. He always walks on eggshells with you."  
  
"He's nice to me!" Sirius exclaimed. "I'm not spoiled!"  
  
"You are, in his case," Remus sighed. "I, too, have always been extra careful not to hurt you in any way. Only, it was out of fear of you in my case."  
  
"Fear?"  
  
"Yes," Remus replied. "I didn't want to be accused of siding with Snape or turning against you; the thought of you hating me is terrifying. You're so ruthless with enemies...."  
  
"I'd never accuse you of being a traitor, Remus."  
  
"You're accusing James," Remus pointed out, "and just because he fell in love and wants to grow up." He sat up a little, wincing. "You're not getting your way this time, and you knew when you started with James you wouldn't win against Lilly. But you denied it, you placed all your faith in winning James over, in making him fall in love with you instead. But it didn't work, and you're just sulking...."  
  
"It isn't that," Sirius said tensely. "I just don't want him to lose himself because of Lilly."  
  
"But he isn't losing himself, and you know it," Remus said. "You just won't accept the truth because you're used to the truth being your way all the time. But you...." Remus held his head; it was throbbing suddenly. "You have to accept it this time, painful as it is. You simply must,"  
  
"Hey, forget it, all right?" Sirius touched Remus' face. "You're sick. You have to worry about yourself now, not me."  
  
"I'll be fine." Remus held his hand to his face. "Just let my words sink in, okay? And hold me."  
  
Sirius embraced him again, and Remus lay down over him. He yawned and nestled his head on Sirius' shoulder, listening to his rhythmic heartbeat.  
  
Sirius stroked Remus' silky brown hair, staring up at the ceiling. He did love Remus. It was not as strong as what he felt for James, but he loved him; Remus was endearing despite his 'preppy' nature. And the feeling was mutual. Remus had been killing himself worrying about Sirius all this short time since they'd been together. Poor thing. Maybe.....maybe he should just forget James. James didn't care, after all, so why should he? Perhaps he should just be happy with Remus, take his advice for once.  
  
Remus was drifting off into slumber. Through his hazy senses, he thought he felt Sirius kiss his face again, and whisper, "You're right, Lupin. James is part of the past now, isn't he? It's me and you now."  
  
But then again, it could have been a dream.  
*  
  
"What a git."  
  
Worlds and years later, Remus was still smiling at the memory. He turned to Snape, face older and his hair silver by now. But his eyes were as bright as back then.  
  
"He was a bit of one," Remus said in amusement. "But he was so kind, so comforting. I could lose myself forever in his arms."  
  
"He was lucky to have seduced you," Snape said, sounding a bit jealous. "Never a moment alone for Black, was there?"  
  
"Not back then, but he paid for it in Azkaban anyway," Remus said. He shook his head. "Well, I did get annoyed with him sometimes...."  
  
Snape raised an eyebrow. "Oh?" He settled back in the chair sullenly. "I don't suppose you did much about it, though."  
  
"Can you blame me?" Remus asked in amusement. He gazed out into the night. "Sirius was quite a difficult man to handle, he was...."  
  
"He was a boy," Snape scoffed, "a spoiled boy..."  
  
Remus only smiled. "That he was...he drove everyone crazy...."  
  
*  
  
"And who could blame James or myself for being crazy for him? He was charming and lovable, not to mention drop dead gorgeous. He was the sort everyone loves, male or female, and if you're just a tad willing to be attracted to someone of your own gender, you'll be attracted to him...."  
  
"Give me a break...."  
  
"Oh, it's the truth. Even James, who tried so hard to play it off and was in love with Lilly....even he had a bit of trouble letting go. I didn't think so until it was winter, he'd done such a good job at hiding it! But just as winter break neared...."  
  
It was a normal, cozy day in Hogwarts. The wind was blowing outside, and snow was falling over the castle gently. Peter Pettigrew had run off to the library to find some books to study over vacation, and the other three Marauders were sitting around their room studying. Well, they were supposed to be studying, but Sirius was taking the time to snuggle with Remus. James sat at his desk, seeming to be absorbed in Moste Potente Potions. Sirius sat on Remus' bed beside him, his face buried in Remus' neck, kissing him. Remus tried to read his own book, but he kept giggling ["Sirius, no! Sirius, cut it out! Hee hee...."].  
  
Sirius finally shoved Remus' book aside. "Never mind that, Remus," he said, taking Remus into his arms. "What could possibly be more interesting than me, eh?"  
  
Remus laughed as Sirius kissed his cheek. "Nothing, Sirius, nothing," he replied, "but you're not exactly a school subject."  
  
"Mmm. Then let's forget school for a moment and concentrate on a more important subject. Sex." He bit Remus' ear.  
  
"Ow! Sirius!" Remus chuckled. Sirius knocked him over and sat on top of him. "Agh! Sirius! Ha ha...."  
  
Sirius went on cuddling him, and Remus laughed more. James, all the while, had been tightening his grip on his pencil. Finally, it snapped. He slammed it down and also shut his book loudly, standing. Sirius glanced up at him, all his black hair hanging in his face.  
  
"We making a bit too much noise for you, mate?" he asked coolly.  
  
James only smiled a plastered smile. "Not at all," he said. His voice was too casual to be natural. "I just remembered a book I need to get, that's all."  
  
And he briskly strode out of the room. Sirius sat up when he was gone, exhaling and running his hand through his hair. Remus frowned.  
  
"No! No, don't you do that again, Sirius!" he said in exasperation, propping himself up on his elbows. "Don't keep doing this to me!"  
  
"Doing what?" Sirius asked, looking at him.  
  
"You keep trying to make James jealous by using me, and then ditching me when it doesn't work!" Remus said sullenly. "If you're going to use me, use me for pleasure, not revenge!"  
  
Sirius just chuckled, kissing Remus on the forehead. "No one's using you," he said softly. "I love you, Remus."  
  
"So you say, but...." Remus sighed. "It always seems you love me only when James is looking." He bowed his head. "Why won't you look at me for once, without having your eyes on James? Why won't you just....look at me, Sirius."  
  
Sirius just burst into laughter. Remus gave him a horrified look.  
  
"It isn't funny!"  
  
"S-sorry, sorry," Sirius chuckled, "it just sounds so....dramatic."  
  
"Silly, you mean?"  
  
"Sorry, but yes, a bit."  
  
Remus gave a frustrated groan and shot out of bed. Still laughing, Sirius tried to stop him, but he left the room quickly. In the hall, he paced back and forth, and finally walked down the staircase aimlessly.  
  
Sometimes, Sirius was maddening. He took absolutely nothing seriously, nor did he seem to care about other people's feelings. All he cared about was himself, and James. Then he had the nerve to deny it, and deny it with such sincereity at times that Remus believed him. But it was a lie, it was all a lie. He could never love anyone but James, his stupid, precious...  
  
"James?"  
  
Remus narrowly avoided colliding with his hated friend in the common room. James only glanced at him disinterestedly.  
  
"Remus."  
  
"....It's all your fault!" Remus exclaimed suddenly. "You! You started it! You took him from me!"  
  
James blinked. "What?"  
  
"You!" Remus said vehemently. "You teased him into believing you were his, and now he's teasing me into believing he's mine! AND NONE OF IT IS TRUE! It's all lies! Nothing but lies! Your lie, his lie, nothing is real!"  
  
"Remus, calm down."  
  
"No! No. I will not calm down!" Remus fumed. "Why, James? Why did you have to ruin everything? It was better when you two were together, and I had no part in it!"  
  
"You're right, of course, but what can anyone do?" James pointed out. "Things change, life changes. Someone always loses, Remus, and usually everyone loses a little bit in love."  
  
"Not this much!" Remus snapped. "You made Sirius lose everything, I'm losing him....It didn't have to be this bad!"  
  
"Well, what do you want?!" James asked, standing. "I'm through apologizing, Lupin. That's it. I made my choices, and people got hurt, and people are still getting hurt, but it's done! It's done! I'm over with it! Accept it!"  
  
"Accept the pain of your mistakes, you mean," Remus said angrily. "Oh, I'm trying, yes, I certainly am trying. But it's not easy, you know. It's not easy for Sirius to accept his true love leaving him, and it's not easy for me to watch him degrade himself for...you." Remus' face twisted with an uncharacteristic hatred and scorn, and he looked James up and down. "You're not even worth it, you know."  
  
"What! Say that again!"  
  
"You're not worth it!"  
  
The two had their hands on their wands, and were eyeing each other with venomous looks. Fortunately, Lilly happened to enter the otherwise empty Common Room then, and she immediately dashed to James' side.  
  
"What's all this?" she asked, looking between them. "Remus? I would expect this sort of trouble from Sirius, but not you..."  
  
"Well, it makes sense he's taking a page from Sirius, doesn't it?" James said coldly. "After all, he's suddenly his little puppet."  
  
"Maybe so, but Sirius isn't the only one playing people," Remus said, giving Lilly a pointed look. Then, he turned his gaze back on James. "And after all, he learned from the master, didn't he? Or does Lilly not know of your many private lessons to Sirius?"  
  
James welled with fury, unable to speak. Remus used the moment to make a quick exit. James ' wand was sparking.  
  
Lilly was staring at her hands. "He's not very quiet anymore, is he?" she asked softly.  
  
"Remus? No, he's....possessed by something," James said. He shook his head. "Forget it, it isn't important."  
  
Lilly gave him an odd look. "Love isn't important?"  
  
He turned to her, eyes wide. "L-Lilly..."  
  
"Yes, I know," Lilly said quietly. "Oh, I know...more than you'd like me to. He loves Sirius."  
  
"But...how..."  
  
"It doesn't matter how I know," Lilly told him. "What matters is...it's done. The affairs of the Marauders have never been my business, and....what's past is past. But." She looked at him, green eyes shining. "I'm trusting you, James.You've never been....well, you have let others down, I know. But....I'm putting all my faith into believing you won't let me down. That you've grown up, and you're through making mistakes."  
  
"Lilly, I..."  
  
"Don't say anything, just...." She touched his hand. "Promise me, you're through hurting people."  
  
James smiled at her. "I promise, Lilly. You're right, I've hurt everyone..." He embraced her to his chest. "I swear, you'll never be hurt by me. Not you. I promise."  
  
Still on the stairs, Remus sighed. He turned and headed back up to the dormitories. Yes, it was all well and good for Lilly, but what about the people James had already hurt?  
  
No, forget it. It was James' fault, but not entirely. James couldn't even help it; he was what he was, for better or worse. The problem was with Sirius. Despite all his confidence and strength, James was his Achilles heel. He was being.....well, stupid. It was stupid to degrade yourself for one person, it was stupid to go through so much hell for one person, it was stupid to hang onto an impossible dream, an impossible love. People like James were a dime a dozen, and could certainly cause damage; however, their greatest damage could only be done to weak people, people who let themselves be so deeply wounded. Sirius just had to be stronger; he was so strong when it came to everything else, right?  
  
Remus returned to the dorm room, and locked the doors behind him. Sirius was lounging on the bed, and he glanced up at him as he approached.  
  
"Knew you'd be back," he commented. "Like it or not, you can be overdramatic, but I didn't mean it as an insult at--mmm!"  
  
Remus, using all his wolf-like swiftness, had climbed onto the bed before Sirius, held his hand down by the wrist, and pressed into a deep, determined kiss. For the first time in a while, Sirius was taken off guard.  
  
"Mm.....shut up!" Remus breathed as he pulled out of the kiss. He grabbed Sirius' hair in his hand. "Shut up and look at me, damn it!"  
  
"Ngh....hey, Remus, cut it--"  
  
"No! No," Remus said firmly. "You want to hang on to memories of James? You want to remember James? I'll give you reason to remember! You want a top, then I'll be one!"  
  
To his dismay, Sirius started laughing again. For a moment, Remus gaped at him, not knowing what to do. Of course, Sirius only laughed more at this. "Fine!" Remus fumed. "Fine, laugh!" He pushed Sirius onto his stomach with effort, and removed his robes. Sirius only went on laughing. "It....it isn't funny!" Remus snapped, giving Sirius an awkward slap on the bottom.  
  
"Oh, yes it is funny," Sirius chuckled. He glanced over his shoulder at Remus. "Ah, Remus, you really are desperate...poor thing..."  
  
"No, not not 'poor thing'!" Remus said heatedly. "I'm not desperate, and I'm not in some futile competition with your memories of your god, James Potter. I am simply sick," and he spanked Sirius again, "and tired of you," another smack, "using me!"  
  
Sirius looked at him, raising his eyebrows. His face had colored a little, but he looked deeply amused. His eyes sparkled with cynicism. "So, you're going to use me, then?"  
  
"Precisely."  
  
Sirius' face broke into a grin, and he bowed his head. Still, Remus saw his shoulders shaking with laughter. His face darkened.  
  
"And what is so funny about that?" he asked, insulted. "I'm a man, after all, and it is only man's instinct to dominate. Or do you fancy yourself a god as well, second only to the great James Potter? It's true, you are..." His eyes wandered Sirius' magnificent, filled out body. "....impressive.....but you're still just a boy."  
  
Sirius stopped lauging. "What? I am a man, Remus."  
  
"You are a brat!" Remus told him. "You always have been!" He sat back, crossing his arms. "I've just never had the guts to tell you, let alone discipline you..."  
  
Sirius gave a half amused, half insulted laugh. "Oh ho! Discipline, eh? Don't get in over your head, Re--ungh!"  
  
As he tried to lift himself up, Remus pushed him back down with his foot. As he did, he watched Sirius' body tense. Sirius lifted his head and looked over his shoulder at Remus with a serious look now. Anger was beginning to brew in his eyes.  
  
"This isn't funny anymore," he said gravely. "Cut it out, Remus. I mean it."  
  
"Oh, it's 'cut it out' now, is it? Weren't you laughing a moment ago?" Remus asked. He did not recognize his own voice, it was so icy. Was this him, being a borderline sadist?  
  
"Remus...."  
  
Sirius tried to get up again, and Remus pushed him down once more.  
  
"Damn it, Remus! I'm warning you for the last time!"  
  
This time, Remus took no chances. As Sirius went to get up for the third time, he flicked his wand; Sirius fell fast, his entire body bond by a thick, snaking leather cord. He gave a cry of outrage, struggling heavily against the rope.  
  
"I thought you liked games, Sirius?" Remus went on in that cruel, alien voice. "Wouldn't you just sit at James' house and wait for him by the door, wait for him to come and tie you up and make love to you and pat you on the head? Hm? You can be James' loyal dog, but not mine?"  
  
Sirius stared at him in horror. "What the hell's come over you? I thought you liked me on top..."  
  
"You like being on top." He shrugged. "And I have no complaints, but....well, you've always said variety is a Marauder's lifeblood yourself."  
  
"Of course, but...." Sirius squirmed amidst the leather ropes. "You shouldn't do something just because you feel you have to. I mean, are you sure?"  
  
"I'm sure." Remus smirked. "You're the one who's scared."  
  
"SCARED! I AM NOT SCARED!" He then quite nastily added, "Certainly not of you."  
  
Remus' chest swelled with anger. "Stop being so arrogant!" he snapped. He crawled on hand and knee over Sirius' squirming figure. "You let James dominate you, but not me? What's wrong with me?!" He grabbed Sirius' hair and pulled it back. "WHAT?!"  
  
"OW! Remus, stop it!" Sirius said angrily. "You're hurting me!"  
  
"It would be nice if I just listened and stopped, wouldn't it?" Remus said viciously. His eyes had gone dead. "Wouldn't it?! But you never stop! You never stop hurting me!"  
  
"I can't help it, all right?!" Sirius replied nastily. He rolled over onto his back and glared up at Remus. "I'm too concerned about James to care about your problems or your misonceptions, so just do us both a favor and get the hell off me, you little so-and- so." Sirius used here a more creative word than 'so-and-so'.  
  
"That triggered something in me....an unmistable rage I had never felt before....I reacted so quickly, for the first time not thinking....I was harsher than I wanted to be...."  
  
Remus swung back and smacked Sirius hard across the cheek. Sirius gave a short, startled cry, and his head went to the side. Wincing, he shut his eyes, and drew a shuddery, deep breath.  
  
Unbeknownst to them, James had just walked in. Shocked, he shouted a spell, and Sirius was freed from the ropes. Sirius heaved Remus off of himself, and Remus pointed his wand at him instantly. Instinctively, Sirius ran to James' side. Remus hesitated, not wanting to get into a wizard's duel with James. James held his wand pointed at Remus, though he also seemed hesitant to fight.  
  
Sirius' anger seemed to have given way to smugness, and in his mind all the trouble was well worth it to have James defending him. His eyes beamed and he grabbed James' arm, standing dangerously close to him. "Go on, blast him!" he prompted him. "Teach him a thing or two about who's really in charge of me, would you? The little bugger thinks I'm his. Show him, James! For me, come on...."  
  
James felt Sirius' face beside his own, Sirius nestling his face in his hair. He shut his eyes, drawing a breath. It was tempting, torturously tempting, what with Sirius' naked form beside him, feeling his warmth, his touch on his arm; he was so eager, so admiring, and so beautiful. And it had been so long since James had touched him, since he'd tasted him....he would die for a kiss, to just give him reassuring kiss....to tell him he'd belong to him and only him forever...  
  
But if he kissed him now, he would kiss him forever; there would be no turning back if he were to take him now. He had caught sight of Remus' face. Poor Remus, his young face was suddenly lined with such worry, and his eyes begged James to not take advantage, begged to let him have Sirius' love for his own. There was such fear there....  
  
James turned to Sirius, and they were nearly close enough to kiss. "Sirius...I would...."  
  
"Come on, James," Sirius said, his breath warm on James' face, black hair scattered across his face. "Tell him I'm yours..."  
  
James slowly removed his own robe, staying in his slacks and shirt. Then, he draped it over Sirius, covering him. Sirius stared at him, smile fading.  
  
"You belong to Remus now, love," James said softly, touching Sirius' cheek briefly. Then, he stepped aside from Sirius. "And I'm sorry I interrupted. It isn't my place at all. You two belong to each other, because despite whatever just happened, I know you love one another." He turned to Remus. "And I know that...love needs no third parties. So, I will be on my way."  
  
Remus exhaled in relief, giving James a grateful look. James nodded at him, and hurried out without another glance at Sirius. Sirius stayed standing alone, draped in James' robes, like a lost child. Shock gave way to hurt, and he frowned deeply. Then, he turned to Remus. Scared, Remus pointed his wand at him quickly.  
  
"Come off it, I'm not going to do anything," Sirius said tiredly, his tone odd and detached.  
  
"Sirius..."  
  
"No, really," Sirius said distantly, walking very slowly towards his bed. "It's all right. I....I'm just going to get some sleep. Yes, if it's all the same to you." His voice cracked, and he frowned again, climbing into bed.  
  
Remus lowered his wand. "Oh, Sirius...I'm so sorry. I didn't mean..."  
  
"Forget it," Sirius said, burying himself beneath his blankets and quilt. "I'd like to be alone...."  
  
"No. No, I can't..." Remus followed Sirius and climbed into the bed beside him. He tentatively stroked Sirius' silky black hair. "Sirius....I shouldn't have hit you....I don't know what came over me..."  
  
Sirius was shaking, and Remus heard him starting to cry. Remus fell silent; he had a feeling Sirius was not crying over him, or even the slap. Sure enough, Sirius finally exclaimed tearfully, "He doesn't even care! He doesn't even care what happens to me anymore!"  
  
"Oh, of course he cares," Remus said gently. "But he can't inerfere much, can he? It isn't his place anymore, Sirius."  
  
"Well, why not?" Sirius cried angrily. "Why not? Doesn't he still bloody love me?"  
  
"Yes, but--" Remus exhaled. "--not in the way you want him to, Sirius."  
  
Sirius sobbed babyishly at this. Remus sighed and turned his eyes to the ceiling wearily. "There, there," he said softly, continuing to stroke Sirius' hair. "I love you, Sirius." He bent and kissed the top of Sirius' head. "I love you in every way, Sirius."  
  
For some reason, Sirius cried more at this. "Oh bloody heeeelllll!" he wailed.  
  
"What?" Remus asked irritably.  
  
"Nothing, nothing." Sirius sniffed and drew a shaky breath, trying to calm himself. He propped himself up a little, looking up at Remus with a very youthful, tearstained face. He smiled a little, and took Remus' hand in his own, then pressing it to his cheek. "Sorry, I'm just.....I don't mean to sound......Well, you did slap me!"  
  
"I apologized for that," Remus said quietly, sitting back against the headboard. "You push people, Sirius, and you know it."  
  
"Heh. Yeah." Sirius grinned sheepishly. "I do have a habit of doing that. Now being punished for it, that's another case...."  
  
"Rarely happens, does it?"  
  
"Exactly." Sirius lay his head on Remus' lap. "But I....I almost forgive you. I was being stupid."  
  
"Stupid?"  
  
"James. James, James, James." Sirius wiped his eye with his fist. "I should have known, I should have given up. He chose Lilly, and I still....I still insisted...."  
  
"You were just...hopeful."  
  
"I shouldn't have been."  
  
Remus shifted and kissed Sirius on the cheek. He pitied him, seeing him finally so defeated and wanting comfort. "It's all right, Sirius. It's all right. Everything is over now, if you let it be."  
  
"I would let it be....if I could." Sirius shook his head. "But never mind. Let's...I don't want to talk about it anymore, Remus. I want to....I'm tired."  
  
"Rest then, Sirius. I do believe you need some."  
  
Sirius exhaled, snuggling his head in Remus' lap. Remus smiled a little, stroking his hair. Then, the Head Boy badge gleamed at him from James' robes. He gripped the robes and tugged them off, prompting a small laugh from Sirius ["What're you doing?"]. He then tossed the robes to the floor and pulled the blankets closer around Sirius' otherwise bare body. Smiling tenderly, Remus kissed him sweetly.  
  
"Mmm.......Remus...." Sirius had relaxed and pulled the sheets up to his chin, settling against Remus. "Ahh....Remus...."  
  
"Get some rest, love."  
  
"Sirius drifted off to sleep soon, still a little tearful, but he'd recovered fairly fast; Sirius certainly isn't the sort to stay in tears very long. That he cried so childishly at all was extremely shocking! I had never heard him sob before, or seen him shed too many tears. But he had cried, so bitterly.....poor thing. I just hoped I could see him through this...."  
  
End of Chapter One 


	3. Chapter Two

Author's Notes: That was...a long first chapter ^^; And eventful!  
  
Chapter Two: Giving Up and Getting Even  
  
Over fifteen years later, alone in Grimauld Place, Remus shook his head. Snape had sat down on a chair by now, listening intently. Remus shifted and turned to him.  
  
"He certainly was difficult," he said. "But it was well worth the effort to tame him."  
  
Snape raised an eyebrow. "I'm sure."  
  
"After that, Sirius seemed.....well, it all took the wind out of his sails a bit," Remus said. "I kind of....got the hang of being on top. Sirius sort of lost his will to dominate, and more and more frequently slipped to the bottom. I didn't really mind, although it took...practice." He smiled a little. "Right. Well, time passed then. Sirius started acting more submissive, incredible as that may seem, and he also took to drinking a bit more than usual. By winter holiday, he and James were on speaking terms, but.....Sirius still refused to go over to James' house during holiday since Lilly would be visiting. He didn't stay alone in Hogwarts, either, however; his pride wouldn't allow him to hang around school alone. We all went our separate ways...."  
  
"The Marauders separated for an entire holiday?" Snape asked cynically. "How tragic..."  
  
"Oh no, not for the entire holiday!" Remus corrected him brightly. "I heard sometime right before Christmas that Sirius bought a place somewhere in the city, and I went to go cheer him up."  
  
Snape made a face. "Ugh. I'd rather not hear about--"  
  
"Yes, I remember that, I do," Remus said softly. He turned back to the window. "It was snowing....so beautifully then....I went right to Sirius' new place, a rather large apartment high atop the city, and knocked....."  
*  
  
Knock, knock, knock, knock!  
  
Inside his new penthouse apartment, Sirius was lying facedown on a sofa. He grumbled something muffled by the pillow his face was buried in at the knocking. The knocking continued. Sirius yelled drunkenly, "GO AWAAAYYY!"  
  
"It's me! Remus!" Knock, knock, knock! "Come on, Sirius! Let me in!"  
  
Sirius exhaled. He sat up, and took a long swig from the bottle he'd been holding in his hand. It was emptied, and he flung it into the fireplace, where it shattered. Finally, he climbed off the sofa and stood, stretching and scratching his hair roughly. He then ambled over to the door and flung it open.  
  
Remus blinked at him, and then smiled warmly. He was holding an armful of baskets and presents. "Happy Christmas!"  
  
Sirius raised his eyebrows. "What's all this?" he asked. He sounded drunk and tired, like he'd been crying.  
  
"Christmas!" Remus replied cheerfully. He let himself into the apartment living room. "Wow! This place is huge! Must have cost a bit!"  
  
"I have money," Sirius said offhandedly, shrugging. "But Remus, you didn't have to..."  
  
"Why not?" Remus put down his things on the coffee table. "There's everything here, except for a wreath or a tree or a present, I see."  
  
"I haven't been feeling too jolly this season," Sirius said glumly. He buried his hands deep in his pockets as he strode over hesitantly, eyeing the boxes. "So, what'd you bring, eh?"  
  
Remus held up a basket, which had a warm smell wafting from it. "My mum made some things for me to bring!" he said happily. "Cookies, bread, candy, ginger bread! Lots of things! Didn't bring any wine, but it looks [and smells] like you've had your share already."  
  
Sirius grabbed a cookie and took a big bite of it. "Well, I could use some more, but s'allright," he mumbled, chewing. "No egg nod, eh?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Ah well." Sirius sat on the couch and exhaled. He looked at the cookie. "Not bad, these." And he took another large bite.  
  
Remus smiled and sat beside him. "So, how've you been?" he asked gently.  
  
"All righ'," Sirius mumbled. He pointed his wand to the kitchen, and in an instant there was a bottle of butterbeer in his hand. "Bit lonely since James shacked up with his dear, precious Lilly, but I'm fine." He shrugged. "Long as he's happy, right?" He took a drink and swallowed.  
  
"Yes, since you care for him so much, you should be glad he is happy," Remus said softly. "But you should also consider your own happiness. Are you happy?"  
  
Sirius shrugged, popping the last large piece of cookie in his mouth.  
  
"I want you to be happy." Remus put a hand on Sirius' shoulder. "You should be able to, with or without James."  
  
Sirius, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, moved his shoulder away. "I don't know, happy, not happy....who cares? I'm on my own, I'm alive, just forget James and the whole thing. I don't want to talk about it, Remus."  
  
"All right. So, what do you want to talk about? Not school, I'm sure..."  
  
"Nooo," Sirius groaned. He sat back and put his foot on the coffee table. "What about those boxes? You bought me presents?"  
  
Remus nodded. "Of course I did!"  
  
Sirius reached for one. "Great...."  
  
"No! Hey, it's not Christmas yet!" Remus laughed, grabbing his arm. "Wait until Christmas!"  
  
"That's no fun! Hey, move!"  
  
Sirius attempted to get the present, but Remus blocked his way. Sirius grinned and lunged again, and Remus blocked him again. They ended up wrestling a little, and fell to the floor laughing.  
  
"Come now, that's no fun!" Sirius chuckled. "I can have a little peek, can't I?"  
  
"No! Calm down, have some chocolate," Remus laughed. He took a piece of fudge and smeared it on Sirius' mouth. "Oops! Hah hah haa...."  
  
" 'Ey!" Sirius wiped the corner of his mouth with his finger and licked it. "Mm. Not bad."  
  
"Give me a taste, then."  
  
Remus, on hand and knee, leaned forward and kissed Sirius. His tongue darted across Sirius' mouth, and then met Sirius'. Sirius laughed a little, and kissed him back pressingly.  
  
"Mmmm.......missed me, did you?" Remus observed.  
  
"Yeah. I hate being alone," Sirius admitted, touching Remus' face. "I thought I'd spend all the holidays alone...for the first time in years...."  
  
"No, you'll never be alone for Christmas." Remus kissed Sirius' lips briefly. "I promise."  
  
"Mm. But....I mean, you can't stay here for Christmas..."  
  
"I am."  
  
"But what about your family?" Sirius asked. "Don't you want to be home?"  
  
"They understand," Remus said. "I mean, I couldn't really tell them everything I feel for you....but they know I care a lot about my friends. And they know I'm an adult now....that once in a while, my place...my home...might be away from them." Remus smiled. "My home is with you now, Sirius. My heart is with you."  
  
"Remus...."  
  
"You don't have to say anything," Remus told him. "I just want you to know it."  
  
Sirius smiled a little and grabbed another cookie. "Thanks a lot, Lupin."  
  
"You don't have to thank me." Remus shrugged, sitting back. "I want to be here with you." He looked around. "Besides, I was curious about your place. It's very nice."  
  
"Yeah," Sirius agreed, his mouth full again. "I got finished moving everything in....well, not much to move in from my old place, just a few bits from my room. But I bought some stuff, too."  
  
"I see." Remus leaned on Sirius' shoulder. He turned his gaze to the window and saw the snow falling gently against the grey sky. "It's lovely..."  
  
"Thanks. Hey." Sirius touched the side of Remus' face. "You're lovely."  
  
"Oh." Remus blushed a bit, smiling. "Thank you, Sirius."  
  
Sirius kissed him and stood up, wiping his hands on his pants. He stood before the window with his arms crossed, staring outside into the snowy afternoon. He looked content, but Remus could see there was an underlying longing in his eyes. It was a little annoying, knowing that even with Remus doing so much for him, he still wanted James. However, there was no use in getting mad, and so Remus only followed him. He put his hand in Sirius' and looked up at him with a warm smile. Sirius turned to him and returned the smile, although his was slightly more weary.  
  
"You do so much for me," he said tiredly. "Why, Remus?"  
  
Remus exhaled. "Well.....To be quite honest, I don't really know why myself."  
  
Sirius shrugged. "I guess it's because I'm such an amazing lover," he said simply, holding Remus to his side. "Yeah, that's got to be it."  
  
"Well, er, don't know how to say this mate, but you haven't exactly been the one doing the loving lately," Remus teased.  
  
"What?" Sirius turned Remus towards himself. "Oh, so you need a reminder of that, do you?"  
  
Remus smirked. "Wouldn't hurt."  
  
Sirius flung him onto the floor and grinned. "Wanna bet?"  
  
"Oof!" Remus landed on his knees on the floor, and Sirius was suddenly over him. He licked his neck and bit his ear. "Ow! Ooh, Sirius!"  
  
Sirius laughed his barking laugh and just began tearing at Remus' clothes. "You asked for it!"  
  
"I did, didn't I..." Remus rolled onto his back and smiled up at Sirius. "Well, you'd better hurry and give me what I asked for."  
  
Sirius laughed and kissed him deeply. "Demanding little thing, you are...."  
  
"Look who's talking."  
  
"You're right." Sirius rolled Remus over again. "Hm hm.....but I'm in the position to be in charge this time."  
  
"Ah....you're back to the old Sirius....aghh....aooww!"  
  
"I certainly am."  
  
*  
  
"....and he went--"  
  
Snape suddenly jumped to his feet, slamming his hands on the arms of his chair. "Right!" he said, rather loudly. "Well, I think I get the general idea of what went on next, Lupin. And I must say, it's very late, and I should be on my--"  
  
"Sit down, sit down," Remus said, waving a hand. He took a long swig from the bottle he was holding. "Mm...right...where was I? Well, he was quite rough that evening. I was ecstatic; I'd missed his dominance a lot, amazingly enough!"  
  
Snape shifted on his feet. "I really must be...."  
  
"Things were peaceful from then on," Remus continued. "I spent most of the holiday with Sirius, at his place, and we even brought in the New Year together! His old self began seeping back in, and finally he was back to normal. We went on with school, and he even made up with James, although I'm sure Lilly was still tearing his heart to shreds. The Marauders were back, and the Marauders graduated together. All was....beautiful."  
  
Snape exhaled. Things had not been so beautiful for him, he recalled, being they had tortured him thoroughly the rest of that year.  
  
"Little did we know it was the calm before the storm...." Remus said now, staring distantly out the window.  
  
*  
  
"A couple of years had passed since we graduated. As you now know, we'd all joined the first Order of the Phoenix by then. We'd also had our fair share of adventures and rough scrapes during the war. At one point, Lilly and James went missing; we thought the worst! But they managed to survive, much to our relief. Sirius was crying so hard that time, I remember, poor thing. Ah, but whatever Lilly and James went through together must have put them in touch with their own mortality....Some weeks later, I came home [I'd moved in with Sirius by then] and found Sirius in quite an odd state...."  
  
"Sirius! I'm back!"  
  
Fresh from the market, Remus burst into Sirius' large apartment, arms full of bags. His face was flushed, and some of his hair was matted to his forehead with a light sweat. He shut the door on the hot summer day and sent the bags floating to the kitchen with his wand. Then, he looked around.  
  
"Sirius?"  
  
There was no reply. Remus went looking through the apartment. The living room was empty, the dining room was empty, and the kitchen....Finally, Remus found his lover sitting in his bedroom. He smiled and was about to address him, when he saw Sirius' face and stopped cold.  
  
Sirius was sitting on the corner of his bed, as he did from time to time, but his face was tense; whatever minimal amount of lines he'd earned in his twenty-two years were deep, embossed by stress. He was holding a paper in his fists so tightly it was tearing beneath his fingernails.  
  
"S-Sirius...." Remus tried to ask him what he was holding, but fell silent with unease.  
  
Sirius didn't even seem to hear him; he stared blankly at the paper, eyes seeming to glaze. The sun hid behind a cloud, and his face was thrown into shadows.  
  
Remus drew a breath. "Sirius? Sirius?" Finally, he put a hand on Sirius' shoulder and shook him. "Hey, Sirius!"  
  
Sirius blinked. "Huh? Oh, what?"  
  
Remus was staring at him. "You didn't hear me? I'm home...."  
  
Sirius barely seemed to hear him still. "Yeah. Yeah...."  
  
Remus frowned. "Are you all right?"  
  
"What?"  
  
Remus stooped before Sirius so they were face to face. "You seem out of it," he told him. "What do you have there? Is everything all right?"  
  
Sirius turned his eyes down to the paper he was crushing and his eyes glazed again; Remus saw now they were glazing over with tears. Panic struck him.  
  
"Sirius, what happened?" he asked urgently. "Is it a letter from Dumbledore? Did something happen? Sirius! What is it?! What's wrong?!"  
  
"Nothing's wrong." Sirius stood, looking very tall but still very broken. He let the paper slide out of his hand; it fluttered down to the floor. "Everything's....just great! Beautiful summer, beautiful life....everyone is safe.....Everything is wonderful!" And he started to laugh oddly.  
  
Remus frowned deeply. He knew that laugh; it was a drawn out, heavy laugh, as opposed to his usual, light, quick bark-like chortle. There was a creepy tone to it as well. Sirius never laughed that way unless he was both frightened, anxious, or depressed; it took something extremely nerve- racking to make him laugh that way.  
  
Remus knelt and picked up the crumpled paper as Sirius laughed on ["Everything is beautiful!"]. He unfolded it. Scrolled out in golden script was a surprising message:  
  
"To Mister Sirius Black,  
  
You are cordially invited to attend the wedding of Sir James Potter and Miss Lilly Evans in a private ceremony at Dove's Lake Park. The bride and groom send their greatest regards and sincerely hope you will be able to attend. R.S.V.P.  
  
Your Dear Friends,  
  
Lilly Evans and James Potter"  
  
Remus drew a breath. Then he noted that scrolled out beneath the invitation wording was another message, written in emerald ink:  
  
P.S. Can you write 'P.S.' in an invitation? Well, you get it. Sirius. Please write me soon. I have to speak with you. Also, I have a very special request I would like to make in person. Thanks so much.  
  
-- James"  
  
"I should have known it was something to do with James," Remus sighed. He looked at the invitation again. "Although I must say, I wasn't exactly expecting this....Oh, I know we should have been, but nonetheless..."  
  
Sirius remained silent.  
  
"Sirius...." Remus sighed. "Why don't we go have a drink, eh? You know.....toast to....them....and...."  
  
There was a long silence from Sirius. Then, he said something strange, "I wish I'd been born a woman."  
  
Now it was Remus' turn to pause for a long moment. Finally, he asked, "Why on earth do you say that?"  
  
"Because then I would be the one sending the bloody invitations!" Sirius snapped. He turned to Remus. "I would be the one going shopping with James, planning a ceremony! I would be the one ready to pledge myself to him!" He turned back to the window, his face dark. "But no, it's Lilly, dear, sweet, woman Lilly."  
  
"He isn't marrying Lilly only because she's a woman, Sirius."  
  
"Oh, come off it!" Sirius yelled loudly. "Of course he is!" He knocked aside vases off his dresser. "He wants a family, he wants children, he wants a good, sweet, wife! And those are the only GODDAMN things I can't give him! So what does he do?!" He kicked the dresser violently. "He goes [kick] and gets [crash] THAT BLOODY LILLY!!!"  
  
Remus was wide-eyed and frightful as Sirius destroyed the room. As much as he abhorred seeing a grown man throwing such a tantrum, he didn't dare speak.  
  
"And who can damn well blame him?" Sirius asked wearily. "What does he have with me? Sneaking around by night, trying not to act too close by day...." He shook his head, frowning. "That's not a love life.....it's...." He grasped his head in his hands. "Well, why?! WHY?! What's wrong with it? Why is it wrong? Why....."  
  
Remus turned his face, unable to look at Sirius in such a state.  
  
"Why does it have to be husband and wife?" Sirius asked, stumbling to the hall. "Why does it have to be boy to girl. WE LOVE EACH OTHER, DAMN IT! Why is it wrong?!"  
  
Remus reached out to touch his shoulder, but held back. He was too afraid to do much of anything.  
  
".....It's not wrong," Sirius said softly. With that, he darted off.  
  
"Sirius!" Remus called after him. "Sirius, don't! You've held your dignity all this time, don't ruin it!"  
  
But the door slammed and Sirius was gone. Remus exhaled. "Oh, Sirius...."  
  
"I didn't follow him, but later on....Sirius told me what happened then. Sirius went out searching for James, and he found him. He dragged him away from having lunch with Lilly and they found a secluded, secret spot in the park to talk. It was an old Marauders' hiding spot, buried deep in trees, and beneath a Willow...."  
  
"Sirius...." James faced his old friend with a touch less confidence than usual. "I take it you got our invitation."  
  
"Oh yes. I got your misprinted invitation."  
  
James cocked his head to the side questioningly. "Misprinted?"  
  
"Yeah." Sirius looked at him. "It should say....'the wedding of Sirius Black and James Potter'."  
  
James drew a breath. "Sirius, don't..."  
  
"No, I am!" Sirius said firmly. "I am, and the only way you can stop me is to tell me right now....tell me you don't love me."  
  
James looked at a loss.  
  
"Tell me you've fallen out of love with me, and in love with Lilly," Sirius demanded. "Say it! Just say it, and I'll stop. I'll stop right here, I swear, James. Just say you don't love me anymore."  
  
"I....." James sighed and shook his head. He looked smaller, for some reason, even though he was only an inch or two beneath Sirius' height. But he looked older and less powerful than before; something had gone out of him. "I can't even lie to you, Black," he said wearily. "I do love you. I will always love you."  
  
Sirius lifted his head triumphantly. "There you have it, then. You should be marrying me."  
  
"Oh for the love of..." James hit his fists together. "I can't marry you, Sirius!"  
  
"Why not?" Sirius asked. "You love me, don't you?"  
  
"Yes, but..."  
  
"But what?!" Sirius yelled. "I'm a man? Is that it?!"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"SO WHAT?!" Sirius exploded. "Who cares what we are! We're just two people who love each other when it all comes down to it! Who cares if it's unconventional! We've never been ordinary, have we? We've always rebelled! So let's do it one last time, James!" He grabbed James' arm. "We'll show everyone, James! We'll show them how much we do love each other! And we'll scare them and shock them, just like we always did in school! Why not, James?!"  
  
"Because!" James snatched his arm from Sirius' grasp. "BECAUSE!" He crossed his arms. "I know I've always fancied myself a rebel, but the truth is....I'm not as bold or as brave or as rebellious as you are, Sirius. Okay?" He ran his hands through his hair. "I'm simply not. I want the traditional family, I want to settle down and be a regular guy. And I know you don't get that, or how I could change so much, but I have. I've changed, I've grown up. Maybe you will someday, or maybe you never will! I don't know. But...."  
  
"You're saying we've grown apart?" Sirius asked incredulously.  
  
"No! I'd never say that," James replied. "I'm only saying that our lifestyles have grown apart a little. It doesn't mean we can't still be best friends, just that....we can't be lovers."  
  
"Because I'm a man?"  
  
"I suppose."  
  
Sirius turned his face. "Disgusting."  
  
"Sirius, don't." James put a hand on Sirius' shoulder.  
  
"I AM!" Sirius hit his hand away. "I am, James! It shouldn't matter!"  
  
"But it does!" James yelled. "It matters! Don't stand there and tell me nothing matters but love! You know damn well that who people are and what people are matter almost more than anything!"  
  
"But why....why does it matter to you who I am?" Sirius asked wearily. "You love me!"  
  
"I love you.....but I can't love you. Do you understand?" James said firmly. "I can't....be with you. And I'm sorry it's that way, but that is the way it is. You have to accept it."  
  
Sirius pushed past James. "I'm not going to accept it," he grumbled. "I'll never accept it! If you love me, there is no reason why we can't be together!"  
  
"It's my fault," James sighed. "I taught you that love is....that love ignores gender, class, race, everything. I taught you that love will not die no matter how much you want it to. But I forgot to teach you that....sometimes, oftentimes, circumstance wins out in the end. I forgot to teach you that even the greatest loves are sometimes impossible to keep alive." James turned his face. "But I wasn't thinking about the future then! I couldn't....I could only think about you! Yes, because I loved you and you alone! I still...."  
  
"Love me alone?" Sirius turned back to him. He made a disdainful sound. "But not as much as you love Lilly, your better half..."  
  
"Yes, she is my better half." James turned his eyes up to Sirius'. "But I love you more."  
  
Sirius looked shocked. "You...."  
  
"Yes, I admit it," James said hastily. "Lilly is my better half, but that's something separate, something apart from yourself, something better than yourself. But you....you are a part of who I am, who I've always been. Do you see?" James took Sirius' face in his hands. "You're a part of me, not a half or a quarter or any bloody division; you're a part of me, all of me. And I've lived most of my life for you. You're the one I'll always love the most, out of the entire world, Sirius!"  
  
Sirius stared at him. "James..."  
  
James leaned his head on Sirius' chest. "And I have lived most of my life for you until now," he said, squeezing Sirius' shoulders. "Ever since that day..." He smiled up at Sirius fondly. "That day on the train, when you so cutely stood up to me, when you denounced your family and made me realize that blood is thinner than spirit.....Your eyes were so round, and you had those fat cheeks, all that shiny hair....." He shook his head, eyes soft. "I fell in love with you then."  
  
Sirius' eyes had welled, and he turned his face.  
  
"Your home life was so awful....every time, after every holiday, those bruises...." James shook his head. "I wanted to ease that, I wanted to eliminate it: surround it with so much happiness, you'd bearly notice it! I wanted to take the place of everyone who hurt you. I wanted to be a father to you, a mother to you, a brother, a friend....a lover.....I wanted to be your everything, and you were everything to me. I lived for you. I gave you everything I had and more. I gave you my heart, my soul, my body....and you took it all without thinking twice, without worrying at all." He smiled. "You ate up the attention, and became spoiled off all my love. And that's what I wanted! I'm immensely happy that I did what I did, and I wouldn't change one part of our past!"  
  
Two tears streamed from Sirius' eyes as he turned back to James. "So, why?" he asked. "Why end it now?"  
  
"Because....I realized that I did need some things that....you can't give me," James said slowly. "And you also need things I can't give you. We need adult lives, and family lives. And that can't be given, it has to be found."  
  
"I don't need anything!" Sirius cried. "Just you, James!"  
  
James turned his face. "Maybe you don't, then....but I do. I need Lilly, and I need children. I'm sorry, but....you're not enough to make me feel complete anymore, Sirius."  
  
"You can adopt children!" Sirius exclaimed. "I'll be a woman, if you want me to, James. I'll do anything."  
  
"There's nothing either of us can do," James told him. "Besides, I don't want you to be a woman. You're perfect as you are, a man....a beautiful.....beautiful man...."  
  
"James...."  
  
Sirius sniffed and drew his face closer to James'. He could see the agony in his old friend's eyes, the longing and the fear. But he didn't care. He pushed his face closer, and felt James' lips brush against his own. James kissed him very softly on the lips, and Sirius crumbled on his shoulder. He felt James kiss his forehead, and take him in his arms, but it was no consolation.  
  
"Sirius...." James shook his head. "You're still a child after all these years...."  
  
Sirius laughed a little, remembering how their affair had started. "Then, I need more lessons, right?" he asked, looking at James tearfully. "Like when we first...."  
  
James also smiled at the memory. "Yes, more lessons...."  
  
"Then, teach me," Sirius said, grabbing the front of James' robes. "Love me, hit me....just do something....something so I know you still feel for me."  
  
"I'll always feel for you, Black," James said. He stroked Sirius' hair. "I don't want to hit you...."  
  
"Anything!"  
  
"I can't." James squeezed his arm. "I'm engaged. I'm getting married soon."  
  
"No, James...."  
  
"Yes." James kissed Sirius' cheek. "I'm so sorry, but I have to do this. I can't keep falling into your comforting, warm place.....I have to form a family life for myself now. I have to marry Lilly, or I'll never be complete."  
  
Sirius made a dog-like whining noise that sounded as if he'd been struck.  
  
"Sirius, I'm so sorry," James said quietly. "But please....please understand. I....."  
  
"Then why did you even ask me to meet you?!" Sirius asked, suddenly shoving James away. He leaned on a tree. "Why? What do you even want from me, then?"  
  
"I want.........your blessing."  
  
Sirius sank to the ground. "Oh, you're kidding..."  
  
"No, mate, I'm afraid I'm not." James knelt before him. "I want you to be my best man."  
  
Sirius buried his face in his hands.  
  
"Come on, don't be that way," James said. "I won't.....I can't marry anyone without knowing you'll accept it eventually, without knowing you will be all right with it. You have to be my best man."  
  
"I can't."  
  
"Sirius..."  
  
"NO!" Sirius growled. "No. I'm not going to waltz into your wedding and pretend I'm happy for you two! Because I'm not! I hate you both!"  
  
"You don't mean that."  
  
"....Well, I hate Lilly, anyway."  
  
"Please don't say that."  
  
"I'm saying it."  
  
There was a moment of silence.  
  
"Please, Sirius?" James said. He slid Sirius' hands away from his face. "Come on. It's not like you're alone. You have Remus, and perhaps one day you'll find a lady of your own."  
  
Sirius shook his head. "No. Women are generally boring creatures. And Remus...." He sighed. "I do like Remus, but he isn't you, James."  
  
James snickered. "Few people are....But you have to settle sometime, you know."  
  
"Like you're settling for Lilly?"  
  
"Stop going on about Lilly," James said sternly.  
  
"Oh, excuse me for insulting the wonderful princess...."  
  
"I mean it," James snapped. "I'll have to strike you, Black."  
  
Sirius gave him a haughty look. James smiled; he loved, for some reason, how bratty Sirius could be at times, finding it absolutely adorable. He touched Sirius' slightly pouting lips and gave him a small kiss.  
  
"Do it for me, will you?" he pleaded again. "Accept Lilly, and be my best man. You said you'd do anything for me."  
  
"Anything but that," Sirius said moodily. He eyed James. "You know, what I should do is go and tell Lilly all about us. I know you said she knows something of our past, but....I should tell her everything, in graphic detail."  
  
James' face went from lustful to horrified in an instant. Sirius could have sworn he paled as well. Black smirked smugly.  
  
"Yes, I think that's what I'll do," he said meanly. "I'll go right now and announce all our shameful deeds to her. I'll go and tell her you were here, kissing me, holding me. How d'you think she'd like that, mate?"  
  
"God, Sirius, you'd better not!"  
  
"Why not?" Sirius asked. "Think your wonderful wife-to-be would be so loving then? Think she'd ever sleep beside you at night without thinking of all the things we've done under the covers? Eh?!"  
  
"Sirius, you don't have to get so vengeful!" James yelled at him. "Why can't you just relax?!"  
  
"Because I don't do what I'm told!" Sirius retorted. "And I don't care what low I have to stoop to to get you! We belong together!"  
  
"I'd never forgive you for hurting Lilly like that!"  
  
"It wouldn't really be me hurting her, James!" Sirius pointed out. "It would be you past, your kisses, your making love to me! YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH TO DESTROY HER ALREADY! ALL I HAVE TO DO IS BE THE MESSENGER!"  
  
"SIRIUS!" James swung back to hit him, but stopped. Instead, he ran his hands through his hair, gripping it in his fists for a moment. Then, he looked back at Sirius, red-faced and furious still. "Sirius, I'm warning you...."  
  
"What?" Sirius challenged him with a cocky smile. "What would you do if I did? Yell? Scream? Beat me? You've done that all before on various occasions, and it always has ended the same way: your making love to me more hotly and more passionately than ever."  
  
James flushed.  
  
"So go ahead." Sirius poked James' chest. "Try and stop me however you like! I'm still going to tell her, and we're still going to end up together!"  
  
"You're dreaming, Black."  
  
"You won't be saying that when Lilly looks at you and sees me reflected in your eyes instead of her. Or when she moves away from you at night. Or when she comes crying to you, and breaks off the wedding."  
  
James slammed Sirius up against the tree. "I have never wanted to destroy you the way I do right now, Black," he seethed. "If it were legal, I swear, I'd perform the Cruciatus Curse on you."  
  
Sirius just laughed. "So go on and hurt me! It's only going to turn us both on."  
  
James did not hurt him. He grabbed him by the arm roughly and began dragging him away.  
  
"Hey, let go! I'm not a kid! Where are you taking me?! James!"  
  
"SHUT UP!"  
  
"Hmph!"  
  
*  
  
Snape's eyes were gleaming as he listened. "What did he do?" he asked Remus eagerly. "Did he come home with bruises?"  
  
Remus laughed. "I wouldn't have been surprised, but no," he replied. "Though he did get home in an odd state, for sure...."  
  
Snape smirked.  
  
"But not anything you're thinking."  
  
"Nothing painful?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Ah, how useless!" Snape exclaimed. "When he has to be cruel, James folds!"  
  
Remus just smiled. "Well, for Sirius, a lot of people fold....as patience- trying as he is...."  
  
*  
  
"Anyway, I had gone out looking for Sirius during that time, to no avail. When I got home, I saw that the lights were on. I called him, and got no reply. Then, I heard a noise from the bedroom, and so I went there, naturally....Well, Sirius was there, but....."  
  
"Oh my goodness! Sirius!"  
  
Sirius was on his stomach on the bed, but not apparently by choice. His arms and legs were bound by black leather ropes, and his mouth was gagged with an old Gryffindor tie. This may have been bad enough, but to make matters more humiliating, his robes were pulled up and aside, and his [Muggle] boxer shorts he often wore were pulled down. Apparently, the cause of this embarrassing position had gotten carried away, because there were little bows in his hair and a giant ribbon smacked on his back, as if he were some sort of present. Remus cautiously approached his squirming, furious lover and grabbed a small note from his tied hands. Remus read it aloud. It read:  
  
"Dear old Remus,  
  
Please see to it our dearest friend here gets the love and discipline he so desires and deserves.  
  
Your Best Mate,  
  
James"  
  
Sirius thrashed violently at this and shouted a furious, "MMMMM!!!!"  
  
Remus laughed despite himself. "Oh...my....What did you do to James that he did this?" he inquired. "Seducing him away from Lilly, or trying, am I right?"  
  
Sirius nodded.  
  
"Insulted her?"  
  
He nodded again, and shrugged it off as well.  
  
"I thought so," Remus exhaled. His eyes traveled Sirius. "Well....he didn't want to hurt you himself, I see, so he left it to me. How considerate of him...."  
  
Sirius shook his head and motioned for Remus to untie him.  
  
"Hmm.....It is an interesting situation, though, isn't it?" Remus observed. The wolf in his blood began to heat his veins, and he glided his fingers over Sirius' bare back. "And James did trust me to...."  
  
"MMMMMMM!!! Mmm! Mm!" Sirius shook his head.  
  
"No?"  
  
Sirius somehow managed to bite the gag somewhat out of his mouth. "Mmmphh....Rmus.....ahm warninm....yoo...."  
  
"Warning me?" Remus asked. "You're not exactly in the position to give the warnings right now, I'm afraid."  
  
Sirius finally bit through the tie and spit it out. His eyes were blazing. "REMUS, I SWEAR, YOU'D BETTER UNTIE ME RIGHT NOW!!!!"  
  
"Better untie you, yes, I had better......" Remus echoed distantly. "But now why would I? I haven't been on top in quite a while, after all.....and the very first and very last time I tried to spank you...." He smirked. "....I was interrupted by James, wasn't I? And now he's asking me to himself. How ironic...."  
  
"He never asked that of you!" Sirius said angrily.  
  
"Well, he said 'discipline'," Remus said thoughtfully, "and he knows I'd never do anything drastic....Yes, I'm much more of a domestic disciplinarian when it comes to that, more traditional...."  
  
"I'M A MAN, NOT A CHILD, GODDAMN YOU REMUS!!!!"  
  
"Mm. There goes that mouth of yours." Remus picked up the tie and snapped it before Sirius' angry face. "Don't make me gag you again, Black," he said gravely.  
  
"Remus, your games are not funny," Sirius growled. "Stop playing and untie me. I'm not in the mood."  
  
"But I am."  
  
"REMUS!!! I MEAN IT!!!!"  
  
"Now stop yelling at me." Remus swatted him. "There's no need to scream like that. I thought you liked games."  
  
"Not with you," Sirius said viciously. "Untie me!"  
  
"Heh. We've been through this before, all the way back in Hogwarts." Remus sat beside Sirius on the bed, running his hand over Sirius' bottom. "Do you remember?"  
  
Sirius was blushing. "Tch. Oh, I remember all right. I should have blasted you for it. I'll blast you for this!"  
  
"Idle threats....Come on, this is hilarious! Stop being so uptight." Remus smacked Sirius' bottom a few times, and smiled in amusement.  
  
Sirius twitched. "REMUS!"  
  
Remus chuckled. "What are you being so intense about?" he asked cheerfully. "I know this isn't hurting you much." Smack!  
  
"It's embarrassing," Sirius seethed.  
  
Remus gave him a small kiss on the lips. "Mm. Calm down. You look so cute when you're helpless."  
  
"I don't want to look cute, Remus," Sirius said wearily. "Come on. I'm tired."  
  
"It's early!"  
  
"I'm exhausted....." Sirius lay his head down on the bed. "Fighting with James always takes so much out of me..."  
  
Remus' eyes glinted.  
  
"Oh no...." Sirius groaned.  
  
Smack, smack, smack, smack!  
  
"Aow....Remus! I didn't.....well....." Sirius squirmed and bowed his head. "All right, all right. I won't mention the 'J' anymore. Satisfied? Now get me out of this ridiculous position...."  
  
"Don't be contrite so quickly," Remus said slyly, "it takes the fun out of this...." He intently went on with the whacks.  
  
"What're you trying to accomplish, anyway?" Sirius asked curiously, looking over his shoulder. "D'you get a rise out of it or something?"  
  
"Somewhat." Remus paused, thinking about it. "But....I think the idea of punishing you, albeit mildly, is what's most gratifying. Hm. Yes, that's it." And he continued 'punishing' Sirius.  
  
"Ouch! Hey, you've got a hard hand for someone so thin," Sirius said, wincing slightly. He shifted again. "This isn't very comfortable."  
  
Remus was silent as he went on. He saw Sirius flinch and try to squirm away, but managed to give him a series of direct, hard smacks. Finally, he paused again, looking over his red handprints on Sirius' fair skin. "Hm." He rubbed Sirius' bottom. "That's not bad.....S'it hurt much, love?"  
  
"Sort of." Sirius frowned at him. "You're an odd one, you know that?"  
  
Remus met his look. "You want more, do you?"  
  
"N-no!" Sirius said quickly. "But.....you're always so nice and sweet, then you get that weird glint in your eyes whenever I'm tied up! It's....bizarre!"  
  
"It's therapy," Remus sighed. "I'd rather not storm out every time you start talking about James, so this suffices."  
  
"Well, it makes a bit of sense, but....you can't complain when I do the same to you as my 'therapy'."  
  
Remus smirked. "I won't complain."  
  
"Aghhh! You're hopeless!" Sirius exclaimed in frustration. "You don't care if I threaten you, you don't care if I humiliate you, and you get away with torturing me!"  
  
Remus laughed. "Torture? This is hardly torture, Sirius!" He went on laughing. "My goodness! You're so incredibly spoiled that you can't even be amused by something so silly as a spanking!"  
  
"Okay, ha ha....now let me go."  
  
"Ah, very well! James would be so disappointed," Remus sighed. "I bet he never used to go this easy on you....Nonbindansus!"  
  
The ropes melted off Sirius' body and vanished into thin air. Sirius sat up very quickly, still blushing. He gave Remus an embarrassed frown and sat cross-legged on the bed, sulking.  
  
"You're a tough one to love, Remus," he said.  
  
"Look who's talking!"  
  
Their gazes met, and they began to laugh.  
  
"Damn, you're bloody evil!" Sirius exclaimed, grabbing Remus around the neck and roughly tousling his hair. "And annoying!"  
  
"Argh! Sirius, knock it off!"  
  
"All right, but on one condition."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Cook something!" Sirius released him. "I'm starving."  
  
"It is around lunch time," Remus agreed, standing. "All right. Come on, you can help too."  
  
"Do I have to?"  
  
"Come on..."  
  
Remus dragged him out of bed, using much effort. Sirius stood, stretched lazily, and then began fixing his clothes. "That James," he grumbled, "putting me in such a spot...."  
  
"Don't start on about--"  
  
"Expects me to be his best man," Sirius grumbled on, "what the hell does he think? That I don't feel?"  
  
"That's enough." Remus took Sirius by the ear and dragged him off.  
  
"Ow! Cut it out!" Sirius hit Remus' hand away. "I liked you much better when you were quiet, Remus. You've become a bit of a bully."  
  
"Only occasionally, when I'm tired of letting you bully me," Remus shrugged. He stopped in the bathroom to wash his hands. "Besides, I could have done much worse. Pity you weren't in the mood."  
  
"Tch. Yeah, pity." Sirius also washed his hands, briefly.  
  
Remus just smiled and then headed for the kitchen. He began waving his wand and soon all the ingrediants were out on the counter. Sirius hung back, watching.  
  
"Don't you believe in helping?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Ah. Figures." Remus began dicing some fresh meat. "You are a brat, truly."  
  
"Hmph."  
  
"It's funny," Remus went on, "I always thought of the Marauders as a royal court. Peter was a sort of jester, I was a Chancellor [whom gives good advice that everyone ignores], and you and James were the prince and the king. James being the king, of course."  
  
"Of course." Sirius nodded. He lifted his nose. "So it doesn't make sense for you to spank me. You're only the Chancellor, and I am the prince."  
  
Remus gave him a look. Sirius only smirked.  
  
"Aaannndd.....you're only a mere chef right now," Sirius went on meanly. He went over to Remus and let his arms encircle Remus' thin waist.  
  
"Well, would you leave the chef to his duties, then?" Remus inquired, seasoning the meat.  
  
"...All right."  
  
Surprisingly, Sirius backed off. Remus raised his eyebrows, but said nothing. He finished seasoning the meat and got it into a large pot along with water and vegetables he had diced magically. But just as he was preparing to start making the dessert, Sirius muttered something.  
  
"Eh?" Remus turned to him. There was a bright flash, and he blinked. When he looked back up, Sirius was laughing. "Sirius, what did you...." Remus looked down at himself. ".....do......Agh! Sirius!"  
  
Sirius burst into laughter. "Payback!"  
  
Using a very tricky spell, Sirius had zapped Remus right into another outfit. Well, if one could call it an outfit. It was barely anything more than some sort of long apron that covered most of him, but was mostly open in back. Remus turned bright red. "Sirius! This isn't funny! I have a meal to cook!"  
  
Sirius fell to his knees laughing. He pounded the floor.  
  
"....I'm glad you find this so amusing," Remus said flatly. He touched the edge of the apron. "Ruffles, Sirius?! And pink?! Hey, you put bows in my hair!"  
  
"Yeah, I did!" Sirius chortled. "Now who's the cute one, eh?" He stood and pinched Remus' cheek. "Aw, what a precious ickle face you have!"  
  
"Ow! Cut it out."  
  
Sirius let his cheek go but went on laughing. "Thought I wouldn't get you back, didn't you? Thought I'd just let little Remus go on acting like he's the one in charge...."  
  
Remus crossed his arms. "I rarely act in charge! There's no reason to--"  
  
"Ah ha! So, you don't like it, do you?" Sirius asked, moving his face obnoxiously close to Remus'. "Maybe I have been spoiling you."  
  
"Don't turn my words against me!"  
  
"Whyyyyy not?" Sirius asked annoyingly. "You've been doing it to me. Haven't you?" He nestled his face in Remus' neck.  
  
"Sirius...." Remus smiled a little, placing a hand on his head. "I have to get lunch...."  
  
"Ah, it's fine, let it cook a while." Sirius easily picked Remus up in his arms. "Come on, I'm not tired anymore..."  
  
"But I am now."  
  
"Ha! Yeah right!" Sirius laughed. "I'll get your wolf side out again if I pester you enough."  
  
"Heh. Do you really want to get my wolf side going again?"  
  
"Sure!" Sirius grinned. "After all, I'm not tied up anymore."  
  
"Oh nooo...." Remus groaned, though he was amused.  
  
Sirius laughed evilly, slinging Remus over his shoulder. He carried him into the bedroom and shut the door.  
  
End of Chapter Two 


	4. Chapter Three

Author's Notes: Ow, Remus is a wacko x_X But Sirius can manage ^_- of course!  
  
Chapter Three: The Last Attempt and The Wedding  
  
Remus was smiling very distantly now. Snape smirked.  
  
"You actually spanked Sirius Black," he commented. "How....ideal."  
  
Remus looked at him, also smirking. "He'd kill me for telling you, if he were still here. Go on. I know you're dying to ask me something; I see it in your eyes."  
  
"Was it really as gratifying as I'd imagine?" Snape asked, his eyes gleaming.  
  
"Yes, it was," Remus said. "Not that I....enjoyed hurting him so much, but...." He shrugged. "A little sting and a little humility was good for him, brat that he was." He smiled fondly. "And he was so cute....such a body...."  
  
Snape glanced down for a moment.  
  
"What else?"  
  
"Well....a little sting," Snape said. "He was such a.....Well, was there ever a time when you gave him more? Used anything more than your hand?"  
  
"You're awful." Remus shook his head. "Taking advantage of my sudden big mouth...."  
  
"You're the one who started talking," Snape said coolly.  
  
"True, I did," Remus sighed. "Well, for your information, we did go farther than that at times, both of us. But neither of us ever truly hurt the other. No snake whips, torture devices, or anything of the sort."  
  
"Too bad."  
  
Remus gave Snape a look. Snape, thinking back to the story, decided not to test him. He'd wound up on his stomach quite enough during his fights with the Marauders in the past.  
  
"Anyway...." Remus stood up off the window sill and stretched. "What then? Well, we went back to smooth sailing for a while.....Sirius ignored James completely, and we were alternating between who was on top and who wasn't again. Then, finally, James came by....to talk to Sirius....."  
  
*  
  
"It was a cooler summer day, the sort of weather you have when summer is slowly beginning to wan into fall; lovely day. The sun was peeking in and out of the clouds, lazy like. Sirius and I had just finished our lunch, and we were lounging on the sofa together. He was lying back lazily against the arm of the couch, all his hair scattered around his face, hanging lank and glossy. He was near sleep, I think, and his eyes were half-closed. I was lying on his chest, just looking at him, taking in the details of his face. Then, there was that jarring knock...."  
  
Knock, knock, knock, knock!  
  
Sirius' eyes fluttered open, long lashes brushing up and down. He looked alarmed. The knock repeated. He groaned, stretching a little, as Remus sat up. The knocking went on. Sirius swore under his breath and climbed off the sofa, stumbling.  
  
"Who's there?!" he growled.  
  
"...James."  
  
Sirius' bad attitude cleared greatly, but he remained guarded. He opened the door, and James was there, looking very tired. Sirius seemed pained by the sight.  
  
"I come in?"  
  
"Of course."  
  
Remus, also guarded, stayed on the sofa. He greeted James with a small smile. "Hi."  
  
"Hi. Um, can I talk to--" He broke off. "No, no.....I want to talk to both of you."  
  
"Right," Sirius said quietly. "About the wedding, I take it? Remus got his invitation the day after I got mine."  
  
James nodded. "That's great," he said, smiling. "Peter was invited, too, and Dumbledore is coming....so are some of our professors, if they can, and most of the Order."  
  
"It sounds like a brilliant gathering," Remus said. "Finally, a reason to celebrate with all this darkness around..."  
  
"That's true," Sirius agreed.  
  
James looked at him in surprise. "You think so?"  
  
Sirius shrugged. "Well, yeah," he said grudgingly. He felt bad that he had James so stressed over an event that was intended to be joyous. "You're enjoying planning it, right?"  
  
"I am, very much indeed," James said honestly. "It's a very special time for me....and everything would be perfect but one....detail...."  
  
Sirius shifted his eyes to the floor, shoving his hands deep in his pockets. James smiled fondly at him. In many ways, he was still so young; he'd done this since he was eleven, whenever he was insecure. It was so cute.  
  
"Yes, you, Sirius," James said gently. "I....must have you as my best man. And I don't....I don't only want you to do it for me, Sirius. I want....you to do it because you want to."  
  
"I know," Sirius mumbled.  
  
Remus also smiled a little at Sirius' boyish discomfort, although it was seriously tempting his 'wolf side'.  
  
"It's....next week, you know," James said softly. "The wedding is next Thursday...."  
  
"I know." Sirius brought his eyes to James, and their gaze met. "....I...will be there."  
  
"And...my request?"  
  
"....."  
  
"Sirius, please," James said. "It won't be half as special without you as my best man. This is...this is a turning point in my life; it's leading to a new chapter for me. And....I really don't want to live through any part of my life without you. You're my best friend, Sirius."  
  
"...."  
  
"That is, unless you want to cut me off completely?"  
  
"No!" Sirius replied quickly. "I was your best friend first, and I'll be your best friend until--well, beyond the day we die! I know I've been upset, but so what? We've fought all our life, on and off, and we always get over it. I'm not going to just ditch you!"  
  
James smiled in relief. "Thank God. I could never lose you, Black."  
  
Sirius smiled. "Aw, you're not gonna," he said gruffly. He reached over and punched James' shoulder lightly. "You know that, don't you?"  
  
"Now I do," James said.  
  
"And about the wedding...." Sirius shifted on his feet. "I'll think about it, I really will. And I'll let you know before the wedding. That's all I can really promise right now."  
  
"That's enough." James placed a hand on Sirius' shoulder. "Thank you."  
  
"Yeah, yeah...."  
  
James squeezed his shoulder and gave him a final smile. Then, he turned to Remus. "Remus, it will be wonderful to have you as well, and Peter. It's going to be a brilliant wedding, I promise. Take care."  
  
"You take care yourself," Remus said. "I'm sure it will be lovely."  
  
James nodded at them, and he headed out again. When he was gone, Sirius exhaled and flopped back onto the sofa, next to Remus.  
  
"He looked very tired," Remus said. "It's really important to him, having you as his best man."  
  
"That's because I am his best man, in all matters," Sirius said. He exhaled. "And I....it's only right I do step forward and be his best man. I mean....I'm being selfish, upsetting him like this, aren't I?"  
  
Remus snickered. "You finally noticed?"  
  
"No, I've known all along," Sirius replied. "I never once planned on letting him down, either."  
  
"What?" Remus' eyes widened. "If you were going to be his best man all along, then why did you go through such an act?"  
  
Sirius shrugged. "I wanted to change his mind. It was worth a try."  
  
"You're evil!"  
  
"I know," Sirius said seriously. "But....oh well. He loves Lilly....at least, she makes him happy. And I do want him to be happy, that's all I want.  
  
"So, you're going to stop being selfish?"  
  
"Yeah," Sirius said wearily. "Not that my selfishness and pain have been without reason, of course! But....it's time to give up already, I guess. He loves Lilly."  
  
Remus nodded. Then, Sirius pulled him against his chest and kissed his forehead. Remus looked up at him.  
  
"And I love you," he said.  
  
"You do?" Remus asked.  
  
"Yes." Sirius nodded. He also gave Remus a wink. "I just decided."  
  
Remus laughed. "Oh, took you all this time, did it?"  
  
"Well...you know me, I can be....I don't want to say 'slow'--" He thought. "--contemplative! That's it."  
  
Remus smirked. "Contemplative, eh?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Whatever you say, Sirius."  
  
Sirius slung his long legs off the sofa and stood. "I feel better now....."  
  
"Because you decided to make peace with James and Lilly?"  
  
He nodded.  
  
"So, when will you give James the answer?"  
  
Sirius smiled mischievously. "Oh, I think I'll save that revelation for a special time."  
  
Remus looked up at him questioningly from the couch.  
  
"Just trust me."  
  
*  
  
Worlds later, Remus smiled as he echoed Sirius' words to Snape. He had sat down on Sirius' old bed and was running his hand up and down the sheets they'd once slept together on. Snape gave Remus a look.  
  
"Trust him, eh?"  
  
Remus nodded. "Yes, so he said. But that time, he wasn't plotting anything sinister." He smiled at Snape. "We went to work later that day, planning a bachelor party for James."  
  
Snape looked disappointed. "A bachelor party? How.....typical."  
  
"Expected, yes, but it turned out to be great," Remus said, his eyes soft with nostalgia. "Everyone turned up, everyone we knew and loved that was a man. I'm sure our women friends did the same at Lilly's bridal shower. On both sides, everyone had a splendid time. Sirius purposefully got himself plastered, and so he was in a great mood. He and James were the best friends they'd always been that night."  
  
Snape turned his eyes skyward, drawing a breath.  
  
"Not that the night was without surprises," Remus went on, "and not that Sirius had completely given up...."  
  
Snape looked at Remus again. "Oh?"  
  
"I wasn't there, but....Sirius told me about it later," Remus said. "Oh....did he get it when he did tell me..."  
  
"What did he do?"  
  
"Well...." Remus sat back against a pillow. "He'd made peace with Lilly by then, but he still saw her as some competition, and he is vicious when it comes to that. So, he tried one last time to snatch James away. It was late, late night, and everyone, including me, had gone home. Sirius and James lingered, cleaning up the bar we'd gathered at. I would have stayed longer, but I wasn't feeling so well, tired and all. I didn't feel comfortable leaving those two alone, but I had to rest. So, there they were, all alone for the last time...."  
  
*  
  
It was a brisk, cool night. From the windows inside the empty, rented-out Leaky Cauldron, the stars could be see shining high above the city. James was wiping up a tabletop, and Sirius was nowhere to be seen. He had not been there for a while now, but James hadn't noticed, and was talking to thin air.  
  
".....shouldn't have promised to clean up. I'm the groom, why should I be cleaning up? Should have hired someone....don't you agree?"  
  
Silence.  
  
"Right?!"  
  
Silence. James stopped cleaning and stood up, looking around. "Sirius? Sirius? Don't tell me you left me to clean up by myself! Great...."  
  
Suddenly, there was a sound on the staircase. James turned. "Sirius?"  
  
The sound became more clear. Someone was walking down the stairs. Only, it was a light step, with a light clacking sound: the step of a woman's shoe. James frowned. "....Sirius...?"  
  
".....James."  
  
The voice was....very familiar, and yet it wasn't quite Sirius' voice. "Is that you?" James asked. "Stop playing around!"  
  
The person came down the steps, and lingered in the shadows. Finally, the odd voice said, "Yeah....er...Yes, it's me."  
  
"Why d'you sound like that?"  
  
Sirius hesitated for a long moment. Finally, he stepped out of the shadows. James' mouth dropped. "Oh....my....God!"  
  
Sirius....was not quite Sirius. He'd taken a potion, a very rare and illegal potion that reverses a being's gender. It had worked incredibly well; Sirius' body had changed, slimmed down, and he was suddenly a curvy, gorgeous witch. His face had smoothed out as well, become more effeminate, and his great height had decreased. He wobbled on high heels, wearing a gorgeous deep crimson witch's robe. Beneath the makeup he'd actually managed to paint on efficiently, there was a very perturbed, unsure expression on his face.  
  
James was dumbfounded; all he could do was gape stupidly in horror and shock.  
  
"Is that you, Sirius?!" he finally asked.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"What the....why on....how did you...."  
  
"I took a potion!" Sirius explained, blushing. His voice had thinned out, though it was husky. "James....I actually bought it from Snape, okay?! I told you....I would do anything...."  
  
"But...but....you're a woman!"  
  
"Of course I'm a woman!" Sirius exclaimed, crossing his arms. He did this too roughly, and crushed his newly womanly chest. He winced, drew an annoyed, embarrassed breath, and uncrossed his arms. "That's what you wanted, isn't it? A bride, a family.....right?!"  
  
"But...." James took a step back. "This is too weird..."  
  
"No, listen to me!" Sirius yelled, grabbing James by the front of his robes. "It would take....tons of money to stay on this potion for life; it doesn't last very long. But money doesn't matter to me! I will keep this shape, I will keep this form....I will be a woman if you want me to be, James."  
  
James glanced down. Their chests were pressing against one another. He turned red, and looked aside. "Sirius, no, this is.....you're scaring me...."  
  
"Why?!" Sirius yelled. "You want a woman, then have me as a woman! I said I'd do anything, and I meant it!"  
  
"No....no!" James tore away from Sirius. "I'm engaged to Lilly, I'm marrying Lilly!"  
  
"You'd give me up even now?!" Sirius asked persistently. "Even as a woman?!"  
  
James was truly confused. He ran his hands through his hair, breathing hurriedly.  
  
"You'd give up....my soul....in this body?" Sirius asked slyly. He pulled the ribbon that was holding the robes together in front. "Are you sure, James?"  
  
"You're not a woman, Sirius," James said, eyeing him. "You weren't....it's not right...."  
  
Sirius slid the robes off, and was wearing nothing beneath. James' eyes widened to the size of golf balls, and his glasses nearly slid off. Sirius' now full lips curled into a smile.  
  
"Are you sure, James?" he asked, in that sexy voice. He turned around. "It turned out well, don't you think?"  
  
"Oh God...." James turned away. "I'm not going to look at you. I can't. It's too disturbing."  
  
Sirius' laughed; even his dog-like laugh was gone, replaced by a cold, high laugh that echoed his cousin Bellatrix's.  
  
"You want me, James!" he said gleefully. "And now you have no more excuses to deny me!" He strode up to James, still wobbly on the high heels. "Look at me! I'm ten times the woman Lilly is!"  
  
James finally turned on Sirius, but his face was more furious than lustful. "Don't you dare insult Lilly!" he shouted. "I don't care what you've done to your body, Sirius, I know it's you! Stop pushing me!"  
  
"Still defending her?" Sirius asked scornfully. "Still defending her when you have this?"  
  
He pressed up against James, the woman's body warm and supple. Embracing James tightly, he pulled him into a kiss. Gone was the taste of alcohol and ashes Sirius usually had, and in its place the cool, icy breath of a veela. James' eyes widened again, and he struggled; however, one thing Sirius had retained was his male strength.  
  
"Mmm......mm......mmahhh!" James gasped when he was released. "Sirius! Damn it!"  
  
Sirius laughed again. "We were destined to be together, James!" he exclaimed. "And now we can be forever! I can finally give you everything you want! We don't need anyone else but each other!"  
  
"No! No!" He pushed Sirius away. "I'm marrying Lilly!"  
  
Sirius stumbled on the shoes and fell on his side. He looked up at James with a hurt expression on his delicate woman's face. "James...."  
  
James exhaled. "I'm marrying Lilly," he said firmly. "No potion or body or face can change that, not even yours. I'm sorry."  
  
Sirius looked ready to cry. "But....why?" he asked. "I thought....I thought if I could give you a family, give you a woman.....isn't that enough? Why can't I ever be good enough for you?"  
  
"It's nothing to do with you, Sirius," James said gently, though refusing to look at Sirius' body. "Lilly is the only woman I want to marry, the only woman I'll ever have. Besides....I hate this." He glanced at Sirius. "I hate having to blush when I see you. I hate you being a woman. It isn't natural. I love you as a man, and only as a man."  
  
"Even...even seeing this?" Sirius stood. "Even seeing how beautiful I would be as a woman? Shit, James, I would take me if I were you!"  
  
James frowned briefly, trying to puzzle the statement out. But he shook his head. "No, Sirius. I love you only as what you are, a man. Besides....you don't want to be a woman."  
  
Sirius turned his face haughtily.  
  
"I see it in your eyes, you don't," James said with a small smile. "You've never wanted to be anything but what you are, and that's the thing I love most about you. That you would actually change yourself so drastically for me is....well, it's so beautiful. I wish I could take you, I wish I could choose you....but I can't."  
  
Sirius stood. "Are you sure?" he asked. "We could at least....Don't you want to have this body just once? Lilly would never know...."  
  
James laughed, shaking his head. "No, Sirius, not even just once. Especially not with you in that body."  
  
"You're crazy." Sirius lifted a vial he wore on a chain around his neck. "Well..." he sighed. "...I can't say I didn't try. I tried and tried....I tried everything, and you....you must really love Lilly." He took one last look down his body. "But....it's a bit of a relief. You think you feel weird, but I feel like I'm about to go crazy! I miss my..."  
  
James gave him a look.  
  
"....everything," Sirius finished, smirking. He raised the vial. "Here's to your future, then, James, and my returning to the role of simply 'best friend'."  
  
He downed the bit of potion in the vial, sputtering. James turned to gather something to cover Sirius with, and when he turned back, Sirius was his manly, strong self. James laughed in relief. "Thank God!"  
  
Sirius smiled. "Yeah, you said it. I feel....very tall...." He glanced up at the ceiling, which he was closer to. Then, he noticed the shoes he was still wearing. "Oh shit, too tall....." Again, he stumbled and fell.  
  
James laughed, kneeling beside him. "Are you all right?"  
  
"Aow....yeah...." Sirius winced. "How do women stand it?! Jeez...."  
  
James lifted the shoes off, which were too small for Sirius' feet anyway. "That's better," he said. "Your feet are big again."  
  
"Hey, they're not that big!"  
  
James touched Sirius' arm. "And that woman body didn't match your tattoos anyway."  
  
"Oh yeah...."  
  
James wrapped the witch's robe, also too small, around Sirius. Then, he helped his friend to his feet. When Sirius stood, draped in the witch's robes which were detailed with lace, James began to laugh. He looked incredibly ridiculous, wearing those delicate robes and with lipstick, blush, eyeliner and eye shadow still on his face.  
  
"What's so funny?" Sirius asked.  
  
"Red lipstick is your color, mate!" James laughed. "It really is! And that lace and those gorgeously lined eyes! You look simply smashing!"  
  
"Shut up!" Sirius snapped, blushing. "I went all out, okay?!"  
  
James went on chuckling. "You're so....very....pretty!"  
  
"I don't have time for this." Sirius stretched, the robes nearly falling off. "Remus is probably still waiting, poor thing. He'll kill me when he hears of this, that's for sure..."  
  
"Remus killing you?"  
  
"You'd be surprised," Sirius replied. "I think I won't tell him for a while....a long while." He nodded. "Anyway, I'm not going home like this..."  
  
"What will you do, then?"  
  
Sirius smirked. "You know me, James. A Marauder until the end..."  
  
In an instant, Sirius' form had changed again. This time, he morphed into his Animagus form: a huge black dog covered in shaggy, silky fur. He panted for a moment, and barked up at James.  
  
"Marauder until the end indeed!" James laughed. He patted Sirius' head. "You going to be all right, friend?"  
  
The dog nodded.  
  
"Sure?"  
  
"BARK!"  
  
"And you'll be at the wedding?"  
  
"ARF! [nod, nod]"  
  
"Good boy," James said happily. He hugged the dog quickly. "Take care of yourself, and Remus, you hear?"  
  
The dog nodded. It stood up on its hind legs, resting its paws on James' shoulders. He gave James' face a quick, little lick, and then sank back to his four paws. He went around in a circle, and then darted out of the bar.  
  
James laughed. "Oh, Sirius....welcome back, best friend."  
  
*  
  
Remus was shaking his head at the memory. Snape was gaping again.  
  
"That's what that potion was for?!" he asked, paling. "It was for him?!"  
  
"Oh yeah, you sold it to him, didn't you?" Remus replied, looking at Snape oddly. "I hadn't thought about it much before now....but you did have a hand in that awful, awful plot. And I know you charged him a fortune."  
  
"Only what it was worth," Snape said arrogantly.  
  
"Don't you question people before you sell them potions?" Remus asked incredulously. "Especially illegal potions? I never knew you were a seller of illegal potions...."  
  
Snape paled even more. "I.....I was a kid! I...needed some extra...spending money."  
  
"Death Eater money, more like."  
  
Remus' eyes glinted. Snape eyed him, guarded. This must have been the wolf-like side Sirius had witnessed so many times. Remus understood Snape's look, because he laughed.  
  
"Don't worry!" he said in amusement. "I'm not going to spank you, certainly not for things in the past..."  
  
"I should hope not." Then, he frowned a little. "But...you don't have to use that tone. What do you mean by 'you'?"  
  
"Nothing, just that we're enemies, not lovers." Remus shook his head. "No, what am I saying? We're not enemies....we're comrades, in a way now. But we're still not lovers..."  
  
"Thankfully."  
  
Remus looked at him. "Why? I think it would make sense if we were; we're the last of those years left, it seems....and Peter doesn't really count..."  
  
"I don't count."  
  
"Yes, you do," Remus said. "I know you weren't involved with us in a friendly way, but you were a very important part of those times. We're the last ones left....."  
  
Snape was quiet.  
  
Remus exhaled, yawning. "Oh....anyway....yes, the wedding...."  
  
*  
  
"It was the end of summer, twilight between summer and autumn. The sun was brighter than any magic you could ever imagine, a pure, warm gold flame in the sky. The sky itself was a joyous blue, contrasted with just the right amount of fluffy white clouds: perfect! We were all gathered beneath the sky, surrounded by trees with leaves turned white and silver and gold by magic. The supernatural leaves were blowing around us in the breeze. Everyone had come, absolutely everyone! The Marauders, the Order, Dumbledore....it was the last time we were all together like that. Brilliant day, simply brilliant.....  
  
"The ceremony was serious, but quietly happy. Everyone was smiling, and Sirius was crying, even though he had told me he wouldn't be one of those 'overdramatic, silly' people who cry at weddings. I admit, I cried myself. James and Lilly were so happy....they looked ready to burst from the joy of it all. James' eyes....they had changed, I realized then. He was a man, a man on the verge of grasping his perfect, simple life, and it had calmed him greatly; he was at peace. Lilly had fallen in love with him, finally....and she couldn't have chosen a better time! Oh, it was a beautiful ceremony. I'll treasure that day...forever."  
  
After the ceremony, everyone gathered together for the party. James and Lilly sliced the cake, and he fed her the first piece. Remus eyed Sirius as this went on, but he was still smiling and trying to wipe away tears discreetly.  
  
"Crying, were you?" Remus bothered him.  
  
"Of course not," Sirius lied. "It's all the damn sun and nature."  
  
"Ah."  
  
"They're so happy," Sirius observed, his eyes dry. "It's great, isn't it?"  
  
"It certainly is." Remus took Sirius' hand in his own. "Love is beautiful."  
  
"Yeah....it is..."  
  
Remus was surprised to hear Sirius being so [for him] emotional, but it was a pleasant surprise. Thankfully, there apparently was a heart and soul beneath his gruff exterior.  
  
"James!" Sirius went over to the happy couple. "Congratulations!" He patted James on the back. "You've actually done it! Lilly, you look gorgeous!"  
  
"Oh! Why, thank you, Sirius," Lilly said, a bit surprised. He'd ignored her mostly until now.  
  
"She is gorgeous, isn't she?" James bragged. "Our children will be beautiful! Oh yeah, and smart, of course."  
  
"Smarter than we were, eh?" Sirius laughed.  
  
"I should hope so!"  
  
They laughed, amid the flash of a camera. Peter was bustling around, taking pictures of everyone. He was smiling broadly, and more watery-eyed than ever.  
  
"The best man and groom!" he said, holding up the camera. "Great shot, huh?"  
  
"Yeah, a classic," Sirius said, playfully punching Peter's shoulder. "How many have you gotten?"  
  
"Enough to fill twenty albums!"  
  
"Excellent!"  
  
"You're a great-looking couple," Peter gushed. "You're the envy of the entire Order!"  
  
"And probably the Death Eaters as well," Sirius added.  
  
Peter's face fell slightly, but he was smiling so quickly again that no one noticed. Saying nothing, he turned and snapped a picture of Remus.  
  
"Get plenty, Peter!" Sirius told him. "This is a historic event!"  
  
"Not quite historic," James said, sliding his glasses up on the bridge of his nose.  
  
"Yes it is!" Sirius insisted. "You two are the symbol of Gryffindor, and here you are, together! We're all together! This is the moment we're always going to remember, no matter what happens. And this is the way it's always going to be! This is the sum of our lives, our world!"  
  
"When you put it that way, it does sound historic, doesn't it?" James agreed.  
  
"Told you so!" Sirius smiled. "Hey, Peter, everyone! Let's get one big one, eh?!"  
  
Laughing, everyone humored him. The Order gathered around James and Lilly, and Peter set the camera to snap automatically; then, he ran into focus.  
  
"GRYFFINDOR!!!!"  
  
Flash!  
  
End of Chapter Three 


	5. Chapter Four

Author's Notes: I know, the wedding was brief, but I couldn't expand too much since it was so happy and I'm better at drama ^^; Besides, Rowling will probably flash back to it sometime in the series, so too much detail might be risky. But! The story's not over until.....the fat rat gets blasted ^^; You'll see....  
  
Chapter Four: Bloodstained Epilogue  
  
Snape was glowering.  
  
"I made it brief, so don't give me that look," Remus said. "It was a beautiful wedding. You missed out."  
  
"What a shame that is."  
  
"Must you despise joy?" Remus sighed. "Ah....well, the next....what happened after that...you will enjoy a bit more, I'm sure. What happened....in the end."  
  
"Nearing the end so soon?" Snape asked cynically. Hours had passed, and dawn was approaching.  
  
"Yes, I am," Remus said sadly. "And such a bitter end to such an otherwise happy story....."  
  
*  
  
"Things were happy for a year. Sirius and I were in love, a greater love than ever; without the jealousy and longing on Sirius' part, we were free to simply be at peace. We lived, we loved, and we had the best times of our lives as a couple. Soon, Lilly's pregnancy was announced. I thought it would tear apart Sirius, but he was amazingly happy about it. Harry was born, and he was right there, acting as if it were his child being born. Lilly and James, and Sirius and I spent the first days of Harry's life loving him, and all loving each other. It was an ominous time, but we couldn't have seen it.....we couldn't have known that that tiny life we were marveling at....was the unraveling of us all....  
  
"I....It came out of nowhere. Suddenly, everything was just...gone. We didn't know why, or how, or when....but it was just gone. James and Lilly were gone, and the wizarding world was in chaos. That night....everyone was running around madly.....and I managed to find Sirius. He already knew, and he was outside his place...."  
  
"Sirius!"  
  
"Remus!"  
  
Remus ran up to him. Sirius' eyes were sunken in, and he was a deathly pale. Tears were still streaming from his eyes. Remus went to embrace him, but Sirius just grabbed him by the shoulders.  
  
"Is it true?!" he demanded. "Is what everyone is saying true?! It can't be! Remus! Remus, tell me it isn't true!"  
  
"Sirius....oh God, Sirius....it's true." Remus was also crying. "Sirius, I'm so sorry. I just got word from Dumbledore, and.....they're gone, Sirius. They're both gone."  
  
Sirius gave an incredible cry that sounded as if he'd been pierced through the heart. Remus felt his own tears gushing again, and he turned his face. Sirius sunk to his knees, screaming.  
  
"THEY CAN'T BE!!!!" he howled. "THEY CAN'T BE!!!! JAAAMMMEESS!!!"  
  
Remus sobbed, unable to say anything. Sirius was taken by a sudden fit; he clutched his stomach in pain. Remus knelt beside him.  
  
"Sirius, what is it?"  
  
"I'm sick....I'm sick..." he gasped. He held onto Remus' shoulder with one hand, and began to cough violently. He vomited onto the cement, shaking.  
  
"Sirius...." Remus rubbed his back. "Oh, Sirius..."  
  
Sirius was quiet, but he was still shaking, his body racked by pain. Remus helped him to his feet, but he could barely stand on his own. They walked a small ways, but he collapsed to his knees again, screaming insanely. Remus put a hand over his mouth, hardly able to bear the sight.  
  
"I have to see!" he shouted. "I have to see it!"  
  
"No, Sirius, they don't want anyone--Sirius!!!"  
  
Sirius Dissaparated before Remus' eyes. Knowing where he was going, Remus followed. They were instantly in the closest spot to James and Lilly's hiding place. Sirius took off running to the house, and Remus ran after him.  
  
Sirius stopped cold before the house. In the middle of the path that led to the building, right beside the gate he'd been protecting, was James. It had been the Avada Kedavra, but his body was bruised and bleeding all over from the battle with Voldemort. Sirius stood over him, tears falling consistently from his eyes. His face broke after the shock, and he knelt beside James. Remus watched quietly, too pained to do anything else.  
  
"James?" Sirius inquired hopefully. He shook him. "James......." His face tightened. "Oh God, James, not like this....you can't die like this...not now...." He lifted James' body into his arms. "James...." he sobbed. "No, James, you can't! You can't leave me again! You can't! I accepted your happiness, we....we were supposed to be together! Together! Remember?" He reached into his pocket and took out a picture from the wedding. He held it before James' closed eyes. "Like this! We were supposed to be like this forever! I told you we would be! Don't make it a lie! James....."  
  
His hand crushed the picture and then let it go. It blew off in the wind. Remus sobbed in the background.  
  
Then, Sirius said something odd, something that would be interpreted in many ways after. "You should have married me, James," he said tearfully. "You should have married me, not Lilly. This....wouldn't have...." He let out another inhuman cry, and buried his face in James' still chest.  
  
"No, no, it's my fault," he cried a time later. "It's my fault. It's my fault. God, I've killed him! I killed him!"  
  
Remus put a hand on Sirius' shaking shoulder. "It wasn't your fault. Why would you even say that? No one knows what did happen yet...."  
  
Sirius said nothing, sobbing. Remus sniffed, trying to wipe his eyes. The tears kept coming. "Sirius," he said wearily. "We have to go."  
  
Sirius wailed.  
  
"Please, Sirius, we can't....I can't....I can't do this now." Remus shook his head. "Please, let me take you home. We only have each other, and God only knows what's ahead..."  
  
Sirius was rocking back in forth with James in his arms, moaning and crying. "It's my fault," he repeated. "It's my fault! It's my fault!" He shook his head, eyes wild and wide. "It's my fault. I killed them! It's my fault!"  
  
"Stop it! Stop saying that!" Remus snapped tensely. "We don't know what happened, but I do know you'd never do anything to endanger James! Don't blame yourself!"  
  
Sirius said nothing, but his eyes stayed fixed and faraway. He kept rocking James.  
  
"We have to go now," Remus said. "Anyone could be lurking here, it's not safe. Come on. Come on. Let him go....Sirius, please....you....."  
  
Sirius clung to his friend's body.  
  
"You have to let him go," Remus said firmly, gently prying Sirius' hands off James' body. "You have to say goodbye now. He would want you to stay safe."  
  
Sirius' glazed eyes turned down to James. He very carefully lay him back down on the ground, and ran his hand over his face. Starting to cry again, he bent forward delicately and kissed James' lips, the tears spilling onto James' still, frowning face. He shut his eyes, praying the night was little more than a nightmare, praying he would be taken suddenly as well, praying James would wake. But he did not. The night was silent and still for a long moment. Then, Sirius felt Remus' hand on his shoulder, urging him back into a reality that was no longer worth acknowledging.  
  
"You have to come with me, Sirius."  
  
Sirius stood mechanically. He gazed out into the monochrome black night, the stillness; nothing was alive anymore, he thought, everything was dead. All life had left the entire world, and nothing could convince him otherwise.  
  
"Come on."  
  
"I pushed aside my own pain, my own desire to scream and sob, in an effort to help Sirius. This was the hardest on him, and I knew it. He needed me more than ever now, and I could not fall apart on him. I stuck to this, but I still doubted all my efforts would be enough. His eyes had gone somewhere, somewhere dark and painful, and I knew it would take much time to draw him out of it. I brought him back to his place, where I eased him into bed....still, all he did was stare....."  
  
"Sirius..." Remus touched his face, standing at his bedside. Upon getting no response, he took a vial out of his robes. "Here. Take this."  
  
Sirius didn't even look at it.  
  
"This will calm you, let you sleep." Remus lifted Sirius up into a sitting position. "Here. It's....well, it's not okay. I....I don't know how to comfort you.....Sirius....I can't even comfort myself...." He frowned deeply. "But I won't break. I can't. I need to help you. here." He tilted Sirius' head back a little and poured the potion through his parted lips. Sirius swallowed it. "Good, good boy...."  
  
"The potion did not take effect right away. Sirius' face crumbled again, and he began to cry meekly. He lay back and sobbed his heart out. I could only massage his chest and arm to comfort him. No words would be appropriate in a moment of such unavoidable sorrow. Sirius cried and cried, for what seemed like forever. When he would stop crying, his head would turn back and forth on the pillow, and he would go back into the chant of, "It's my fault. It's my fault."  
  
"I didn't understand what he meant by that, and it would take many, many years for me to finally know why he was saying it. But we didn't have years. We only had that night....I didn't know it, but that was the last night we would spend together for over thirteen years.....  
  
"I gathered the events of the next day from bits and pieces I gathered from various sources, and from what Sirius told me after he escaped from Azkaban. He wrote me that summer, before Voldemort's revival, and explained everything. Right, so the next morning....."  
  
After the potion's effects wore off, Sirius awoke instantly in the middle of the morning. His eyes were hard and set. He knew who was to blame for James' death, and he knew what to do. He took a look at Remus, who was sleeping fretfully. He kissed Remus' forehead, whispering, "Goodbye, love. God knows when we'll meet again."  
  
With that, Sirius flew out of bed. He threw on his boots and raced from the apartment. All morning, he searched. He searched the city, the hideouts of the Order, and suspected hideouts of the Death Eaters. Morning gave to noon, and he searched on. At last, he found the who he was looking for, in an alleyway somewhere outside the Leaky Cauldron.  
  
"You bastard...."  
  
Peter whipped around, and his eyes went wide. "Sirius!"  
  
"You disgusting little bastard," Sirius growled. "It was you. It had to be you. No one else knew, just us. You goddamn slime..."  
  
Peter shot a spell at Sirius. Sirius dodged, and Pettigrew darted past him. Giving a loud yell, Sirius shot after him. Peter pushed his way through the crowds, into the pub, and then out. They stumbled into the Muggle World, but neither cared. Peter sprinted through the city, and Sirius after him, and the two robed figures caught many a stare from the Muggles.  
  
At last, Peter ran into a corner. He faced Sirius with terror. Sirius had his wand out by now, and was pointing it at him.  
  
"I'll kill you, you disgusting traitor," he said furiously. "You killed James!!! You killed Lilly!!! It was YOUR fault!!!!"  
  
"It was their own fault," Peter said quietly, looking around. "You all and your arrogence! What chance did any of you stand anyway, against the Dark Lord?!"  
  
"The....Dark...." Sirius' face darkened. "You did serve him....You did betray us. Why?! Why would you do something so despicable?! Were you jealous?! Why?!"  
  
"I had no choice."  
  
"THERE'S ALWAYS A CHOICE!"  
  
"I didn't want to," Peter said, his eyes welling with tears. "I didn't want to, Sirius."  
  
"Well, I hope you want to die." Sirius raised his wand. "Because I'm going to send you straight to hell, you f--ing bastard."  
  
"....I think I'll save you the trouble, old mate..." Peter said oddly.  
  
There was the sound of a knife cutting flesh, and then a huge explosion. Sirius jumped back, and recieved a heavy wave of pain. All around, there were screams. For a moment, he only heard the symphony of terror from the Muggles, and began sinking into his own pain. Then, rough hands grabbed him, and he was jerked to his feet. He blinked, and everything came into sight. Muggles running to and fro, Peter gone but for a finger and his robes, and Ministry officers holding him.  
  
It was all too much. Out of madness and anxiety, Sirius just began to laugh. The Ministry people were alarmed as they restrainted him, but he didn't notice.  
  
"Sirius' hysterical laughter amidst the chaos only gave a panicked world someone to blame; it was even better they could blame someone already restrained. Everything was rushed in an effort to calm the panic, and laws were bent and twisted; Sirius was put in Azkaban without a trial. Even if there had been one....I don't know what would have come of it. After his hysteria, Sirius went into a state of shock. He said nothing to no one, and silently accepted his fate. I suppose he gave up....  
  
"I cannot tell you what I felt at that time; there are no words to describe it. The moment I woke alone, I was frantic to find Sirius. Then, stories and owls began flooding in like mad. Everyone was saying something different. Suddenly, Peter was dead, and Sirius was arrested. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere. I think....I almost went insane myself those days, alone in the wake of three friends dead and one in prison. And they were saying....Sirius was a Death Eater.....I.....I couldn't believe it, but....his words kept echoing in my mind, his saying it was his fault James died....and his saying James should have married him, not Lilly....I didn't want to believe it but...It was such a dark, awful time....you remember...no one knew who to trust, where to go.....  
  
"Finally, just when I felt ready to explode, I managed to arrange to see Sirius in Azkaban. I hadn't seen him since the night James died, and all I had to go on were the worst rumors and stories imaginable. Still, I clung to my faith in Sirius. Not only for him, but for myself. If I didn't have him, if he really was the traitor, then what did I have? Nothing but a past forged on a lie, nothing but dead friends....and a lover who never loved me....No. I had to believe in Sirius. I was determined to prove his innocence, once I heard it from his mouth.  
  
"It was autumn when I went to Azkaban, but it didn't matter. Azkaban is far, far away from here....buried in snow and ice, buried in a place where no wizard, witch, or Muggle would ever wish to venture.....It was freezing outside, and not much better inside. No, it was worse inside. Rows and rows of monotony, everything dark gray and black.....and you could hear the prisoners as you stepped through the halls....moaning, some....screaming, others....There were people laughing, some saying crazy things, others swearing and yelling.....mostly, you heard crying and agony.....It was a nightmare. I knew Sirius must hate it.....and I swore that once he declared his innocence, I would get him out.....Then, I found his cell....at last...."  
  
Remus hesitated before Sirius' cell, squinting into the darkness. At first, there were only shadows to the sight. Then, Remus noticed a large black figure among the darkness; it was Sirius, lying on his side with his back to Remus, looking quite dead. Remus licked his dry lips. "S-Sirius?"  
  
Sirius rolled over slowly, onto his stomach, and looked up at Remus. His face was drawn and expressionless, and his eyes had gone hard. He was thin in the worn, gray Azkaban robes, and a ghostly pale. He gazed blankly up at Remus. Remus drew a breath.  
  
"Sirius," he said slowly, "I am going to get you out of here. Do you understand? All I need...is for you to tell me you're innocent, and I will get you out."  
  
Sirius stared at him for a moment, and then bowed his head. "...."  
  
"You don't know what it's been like," Remus told him. "Peter suddenly dead, everyone blaming you, telling me....telling me such awful things, Sirius! But I refuse to believe it! I can't believe it! You'd never hurt Peter! And you'd never do anything to endanger James!"  
  
Sirius' shoulders began to shake. Remus thought he was crying, but then the laughter came. Remus stared at him in horror. Sirius was laughing.  
  
"Wh-why are you laughing?" he asked. "It's not true! Stop! Stop laughing! Just tell me! Tell me you're innocent and let's end all this!"  
  
"Innocent...guilty...who the hell cares?!" Sirius laughed. "It doesn't matter! It doesn't matter! We're all dead!"  
  
Remus shook his head. "What are you saying? What are you saying?! Stop it! You're innocent!"  
  
"It was my fault! It was my fault! Everything, everything is my fault!" Sirius laughed insanely, lying flat on his back.  
  
"No! You didn't! You'd never hurt James!"  
  
Sirius laughed on. Then, something dawned on Remus.  
  
"Unless.....no. No, you wouldn't....not Lilly...."  
  
Sirius stopped laughing and looked at him.  
  
"Unless you....went to Voldemort because of Lilly?" Remus asked hesitantly. "....You weren't....no, you'd accepted them. You were happy for them, I saw you!" Tears fell from Remus' eyes, and he grabbed the bars. "Damn it! No! I won't believe it! Tell me! Tell me you're innocent!"  
  
To Remus' disgust, Sirius only stared at the ceiling again, and began to laugh.  
  
"No!" Remus screamed at him. "No, don't laugh! They say that's what you did when you killed Peter! Why would you kill Peter? Did you think that with James gone, we should all die?!"  
  
"Peter deserved to die! Peter had to die!"  
  
"I don't want to hear this!" Remus shook his head. "Sirius, why? I need you! Why can't you just be who I loved, who I.....who I tried so hard to save?! WHY?!"  
  
But Sirius was hysterical laughing. Remus shook his head, staring at Sirius through tears. In the background, the moans and wailing of Azkaban continued.  
  
"It is true....then...."  
  
Sirius just went on laughing.  
  
"You killed Peter," Remus cried. "You killed them all....because you were jealous! Because you've always hated anyone who's close to James but you! Because you're a disgusting, spoiled brat! You're disgusting!"  
  
Sirius stopped laughed, but Remus had already stormed off. Sirius stared after him blankly. He lay there on his back all day, just staring out through the bars of his cell.  
  
Day passed into evening, and then night came. Sirius fell into a sort of sleep, but he tossed and turned. All around, he heard the misery, and could feel the presence of the Dementors. Nightmares plagued him, and he woke soon. It was then that he realized his mistakes, and his insanity was shattered.  
  
"Oh...God....what have I done?" he asked himself, burying his face in his hands. He sat up. "Remus, come back! Remus! Don't leave me! I am innocent! Remus, I'm sorry! Oh God! REMUUUSSS!!!!"  
  
*  
  
Remus shut his eyes over tears and hung his head. Snape shifted uncomfortably. There was a long silence.  
  
"I take it....you never went back?" Severus finally asked.  
  
"No," Remus said mournfully. "I was destroyed.....James, Lilly, Sirius....Peter....I had lost everything and everyone that ever mattered to me. Of course, I went on....but my life was empty for thirteen years."  
  
"Then, Sirius escaped...  
  
"Yes, he escaped, and we were reunited." Remus bowed his head again. "But for such a short time....two years...and now....it feels as painful as that day in Azkaban. It still hurts exactly the same, and again I'm helpless. I'm alone...."  
  
Snape said nothing.  
  
"And again, I will go on, of course," Remus sighed. He stood, stretching. Outside, the sun was beginning to peek out into the indigo horizon. "Everyone needs me in some way, I'm sure, and I want to help everyone. I want to help end this darkness once and for all already. I have to see it end....so that this generation we're watching never, never knows the pain our generation experience, time after time."  
  
"....You do know it will be solely Harry that will end it ultimately," Snape said. "As well as.....he has already experienced as much pain as you Marauders."  
  
"Not quite." Remus shook his head. "He loved Sirius as a relative, and Cedric's death was an incredible shock.....but.....he has not yet loved. He has yet to lose a lover. He has lost so much already....I swear, if there is anything I can do, I will not let him feel that deepest pain."  
  
Snape just nodded.  
  
Remus yawned widely. "Ohh.....Severus.....I must say, I didn't think you would stay through all this."  
  
Snape shrugged. "Well, why not? Some parts were amusing...."  
  
"Thank you for listening," Remus said sincerely. He looked old in the dim morning light, old and exhausted. "I needed to go back....I always go back when a chapter ends."  
  
"I somewhat understand that," Snape said. He also stood. "Well....you certainly did go back....all the way back. I...well, it was worth hearing. I never knew the Marauders went through so much...."  
  
"We did go through some times," Remus said softly. He yawned again. "I'm so tired...." He fell onto the bed.  
  
"Get some rest," Snape told him. "...You need it."  
  
"I do," Remus admitted. "I think I'll settle down in here, if no one needs me for anything today."  
  
"I'm sure Dumbledore will understand you taking a day."  
  
"Yes." Remus climbed into the bed, yawning still. "Severus....."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"As I said before, take care of yourself," Remus told him. "And....please.....no unpleasant surprises concerning your loyalty, all right?"  
  
"Do you doubt me?"  
  
"No." Remus shook his head as he drifted to sleep. "I....can't doubt you, it....it's too painful a thought...."  
  
"Well, you have no reason to doubt me, so it's good you don't." Snape glanced over at him. Remus had fallen asleep. Severus looked at him for a long moment. ".....Well, if one of you Marauders had to survive....it's a relief it was you, Remus, though it seems you live only to suffer more...." He left the room, shutting the door behind himself. "As for Sirius....he's better off with his disgusting James, anyway. In fact, he deserved a fate worse than a simple, idiotic death. But fate favored the Marauders, at least those two, and so they are reunited somewhere, and thankfully out of my life forever." He smiled a little. "It works out for everyone....except Remus. Poor old Remus....he's always been the sacrifice. I don't wish him harm. He suffered adequately at the hands of his selfish 'friends'." Walking down the hall now, Snape shook his head. "It makes me grateful I never had such close friends, that I never opened my heart too much. Is it worth it? They would say it is.....but look at their pain....I suppose it does depend on what you're willing to sacrifice for love."  
  
~Fin 


End file.
